As the winds of economic uncertainty howl through the streets, the illustrious billionaire Ray Dalio has stepped forth, brandishing a warning that could chill the very marrow of one’s bones. He posits, with a gravity befitting a prophet, that the global economy teeters on the precipice of a cataclysmic collapse. Who knew that a hedge fund manager could moonlight as a doomsayer? 🎩
For three long weeks, Ethereum (ETH) has experienced a relentless decline, now languishing at its lowest point since January 2020 against the venerable Bitcoin (BTC). The pairing has plummeted to a dismal 0.019, casting it over 80% lower than its euphoric heights of December 2021. How the mighty have fallen!
As if the world of finance were not already a circus, Sweden has decided to join the ranks of those countries dabbling in the digital gold rush. Nordin’s request to the Finance Minister is a bold move, akin to suggesting that the country might consider adding pickled herring to its national dish. He pointed to El Salvador, that daring little nation, as a shining example of Bitcoin’s potential. “Minister Svantesson,” he implored, “are you ready to embrace this brave new world of cryptocurrency?”
This ETF, which promises to double the daily returns of XRP (because apparently, regular returns are for amateurs), has already secured its place in the top 5% of ETF launches. Not bad for a product that’s essentially a financial version of “hold my beer.”
House Bill 487, a document that could either be a stroke of genius or a recipe for financial disaster, is set for a public hearing on Wednesday, April 10, in the Insurance & Banking Subcommittee. It was added to the agenda on April 8, presumably after someone said, “Why not?” and everyone else nodded in agreement. 🤷♂️
In a memo that looked as if it were scribbled during a particularly hectic cup of tea, Deputy Attorney General Todd Blanche announced that the notorious NCET was disappearing faster than a city watchman on a hot day. Formed in 2022 to chase down crypto miscreants involved in dubious digital dealings, the team now vanishes like an overenthusiastic street magician’s prop.
In an act as precise as a Nabokovian dance of fate, the Senate has scheduled an early cloture vote at 11:30 a.m. ET on April 9. Like a fleeting moment in a mischievous dream, should this performance win the day, a final confirmation vote may follow that very evening—allowing Atkins to meander into power amid bureaucratic winks and ironic chuckles. 😂
Digital payments aren’t the future — they’re the default.
We’re making sure anyone, anywhere can plug in 🔗
Since the discomfiting declarations of President Trump concerning reciprocal import tariffs on April 2, the financial markets have resembled a rather wild ball, with record-breaking sell-offs in the traditional spheres and Bitcoin taking a genteel dip beneath the illustrious sum of $75,000. 🙄
As China scrambles to protect its beloved yuan from being battered into oblivion by the relentless wave of tariffs, there’s an odd side effect: Bitcoin is gaining attention faster than a cat in a room full of laser pointers. On April 9th, the People’s Bank of China—clearly not a fan of currency instability—told major Chinese banks to dial back on their U.S. dollar purchases. Apparently, the idea is to support the yuan’s pitiful attempts to remain afloat. Talk about a ‘do or die’ moment!