Cryptonews

Because why settle for just one bottom when you can have two? It’s like those fancy double-decker buses but for price levels! 🚌

Crypto’s penchant for chaos has, for once, dialled down its mischief. PeckShield’s numbers reveal a mere $76 million in exploit losses for December-a 60% dip from November’s £194.27 million fiasco. One might say the villains are either on strike or simply out of ideas. 🤷♂️

In a world where Lighter DEX has been accused of cozying up to market makers like Jump Trading and Hayden Davis (the latter, you’ll recall, being the architect of the Libra debacle), Hyperliquid has chosen to throw shade-preferably in the form of a blocklist. “Integrity has always been one of Hyperliquid’s core values,” Mr. Yan declared, with the gravitas of a man who’s never once questioned his own judgment. After all, who needs private investors or protocol fees when you can have principles? 🎩

Analysts, those modern-day prophets in hoodies, are now whispering that this might be the start of something “big.” Like, “Oh, maybe PEPE won’t crash next Tuesday? Maybe it’ll just… yawn and sip chamomile tea?” I’m skeptical, but hey, I once trusted a Doge meme. Regret it like a bad tattoo.

Ah, Bitfarms, that intrepid Bitcoin mining company, has at last severed its ties with the exotic lands of Latin America, selling its 70 MW Paso Pe Bitcoin mining site in Paraguay for a sum so modest, one might mistake it for a tip left by a forgetful patron. The announcement, made on a Thursday as unremarkable as the deal itself, marks the final act in their grand strategic pivot away from international mining toward the supposedly greener pastures of North American energy infrastructure, now fixated on AI and high-performance computing. 🧠⚡

While the crypto market is doing its best impersonation of a confused cat, the Shiba Inu ecosystem appears to be throwing a rather jubilant party. 🥳 With over a hundred million dollars worth of SHIB being flambéed in just one day, one might say the canine-themed token is feeling rather generous!

Yet, let us not forget the brief moment of triumph that opened this year. The burn rate surged by over 12,000%, the price of SHIB climbed like a mountaineer on Red Bull, and open interest swelled by 20%, outpacing even the most venerable of cryptocurrencies. But, as is the way of the world-and especially the crypto world-fortune is as fleeting as a Moscow winter’s sun. The last 24 hours have seen a reversal so dramatic, it could be a Solzhenitsyn novel. 📉

As 2026 unfurls like a particularly verbose Shakespearean soliloquy, Solana has transformed from a memecoin haven into a “regulated, yield-bearing economy”-a metamorphosis as surprising as a penguin learning to waltz. 🎭

Let’s be real-ETH is the friend who says, “I’m fine,” but clearly isn’t. The coin’s struggling to get a second date from investors, which is why $4K feels like a dream you wake up from. 😴

The XRP Ledger’s payment volume has been on a roll, outpacing recent averages like a racehorse with a head start and a belly full of oats. 🐎💰 But here’s the kicker: the number of payments is up too, which means more people are playing the game, not just a few big players tossing coins around like confetti. 🎊