Currency Forecast

Unacceptable? That’s like saying the apocalypse is somewhat inconvenient 🤷‍♂️. Cloudflare handles a whopping 20% of internet traffic, and powers around one-third of the top 10,000 websites, apps, and services. That’s like being the internet’s main artery 💉. And when it gets blocked, chaos ensues 🌪️.

Mr. James Harris, a gentleman of some discernment at Tesseract, informs us that while history may suggest strength during this eleventh month, such numbers are, shall we say, “skewed.” A most unfortunate term, but one that conveys a certain…artfulness in its presentation. The current market, it seems, is anything but typical. A rather convenient excuse, perhaps? 🤔

EIL promises a wallet-driven solution for seamless activity across Layer 2s, aiming to make Ethereum function as a single chain for users and developers. Because who wouldn’t want to click once and pretend Ethereum isn’t a confusing mess of chains? 😅

This cash infusion isn’t just for buying fancier office plants (though we hope they do that too). It’s fueling Kraken’s expansion into trading, payments, and tokenized assets. Because apparently, Wall Street has decided crypto is less “scary” and more “profitable.” Who knew? 🤷‍♂️

Germany’s Deutsche Börse, that grizzled old titan of the financial world, has finally taken off its top hat and shuffled its boots into the digital realm. Why? Because even dinosaurs need to chase crypto trends before they go extinct. 🦕

Powered by Trade.xyz, a fancy layer on Hyperliquid that’s busy giving everyone the keys to the kingdom, traders can now buy perpetuals on Google at $286.78 (with a staggering $5.25 million traded in a day), and Amazon at $224.21 (about half a million traded – yawn). If you enjoy live numbers, it’s a bit like watching the stock ticker in a Vegas casino – but with more digital risk and less elegance.

With this precious blessing, over half a billion investors spread across 30 countries are now free to get their hands on U.S. stocks and ETFs directly via the blockchain. According to the press release (because who wouldn’t want to read it), this approval comes via a European passporting system, which means it’s all as legit as your grandma’s stamp collection. Ondo now has the green light to offer a “safe” and “regulated” way for retail investors in Iceland, Liechtenstein, and Norway (bless their hearts) to trade tokenized financial products. So much for keeping the old world simple.

In a Tuesday notice, the OCC said US banks were allowed to hold crypto on their balance sheets to pay network, or gas fees, provided the transactions were for permissible activities. Oh, right, because nothing says “permissible” like paying fees with digital assets. 🤷‍♀️

With 10x leverage, it’s a tightrope walk between $792-$810. 5x leverage? More like $864-$900. Spoiler: it’s not looking great. 🤡

In this farcical roundup, we present the most user-friendly crypto tax tools, from simpletons’ calculators to platforms so advanced, they’d make Diogenes weep. 🧐📊