Some people collect stamps. Others, apparently, collect prison sentences—a hobby enthusiastically pursued by three aspiring career criminals who recently received 12-year accommodations from the Belgian judicial system. If you’ve ever wondered how not to make friends and influence people, ask the trio who kidnapped the wife of crypto guru Stéphane Winkel. (Spoiler: Crypto ransom demands are not well-reviewed.)
According to the illustrious, always understated La Dernière Heure, these villains managed a truly performance-art level of incompetence: abducting Mrs. Winkel outside her home, flinging her into a van with all the subtlety of a pantomime horse, and demanding their loot in code, decimals, and blockchain. The ransom? Cryptocurrency! Because, obviously, nothing says “mastermind” like demanding payment in a volatile currency before lunchtime.
With astonishing efficiency—quite possibly spurred by caffeine and indignation—Winkel tipped off the local constabulary. The law responded with vim, vigor, and what can only be described as a “Hold my beer” level of pursuit, liberating the victim via daring vehicular calisthenics and arresting all involved. The van likely did not survive the plot twist.
Kidnapping Masterminds: Hiding, Seeking, Probably Googling “Extradition Treaties”
The three kidnappers, having now secured a new career track in stone-breaking and high walls, have also been told to pay a cool million euros in civil damages. Unfortunately for justice (and fortunately for master-criminal union dues), the actual ringleaders remain as mysterious as a well-secured seed phrase. The defendants, in a valiant bid for sympathy points, claimed they were forced to participate “or else”—an argument that left the court about as convinced as a cat being told it’s time for a bath.
The narrative, ever in search of extra drama, also features a minor—handled by juvenile court backstage, where the script is shrouded in legal fog and “it’s complicated” T-shirts.
Meanwhile, in Winkel’s World of Crypto Woes…
Winkel himself—a face easily found in crypto circles and on YouTube (unless you’re watching his latest videos, in which case his voice is the only thing not hiding under the furniture)—has pressed on through this dramatic plot arc. He heads popular platforms like Crypto Académie and Crypto Sun, and at the last count, about 40,000 people were willing to sit through the ads for his channel.
The kidnapping has left Winkel and his family shaken, stirred, and—according to reports—relocated. When not fending off threats with assertive relocation, Winkel now tweets philosophical gems like:
The New Get-Rich-Quick-or-Get-Kidnapped-Quicker Scheme 🚨
Winkel’s tale isn’t even the only one this summer. Apparently, a heatwave makes people sweat—some from the sun, others from ransom negotiations. In France, June saw another kidnapping involving a crypto enthusiast, a 5,000 euro demand, and a private key menacingly waved about (perhaps with jazz hands, but the reports are unclear).
Meanwhile, May already brought us three more would-be kidnappers attempting to nab the family of Pierre Noizat, bossman over at crypto exchange Paymium. Sadly for them, the only thing they got was a few extra lines on the police blotter and a lifetime subscription to “How Not to Commit Crime.”
If the moral of the story isn’t “invest in privacy blinds,” it’s that having your face associated with cryptocurrency is beginning to look like a plot device from a Discworld City Watch novel—absurd, dangerous, faintly ridiculous, and never quite what anyone expected.
stay safe, hodl discreetly, and remember—if someone offers you a free van ride, check whether it comes with a legal disclaimer and a plot twist. 🦄
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2025-07-04 12:52