Ah, picture—if you dare—a bespectacled grandfatherly American, blissfully munching on apple pie, his arthritic fingers trembling not from old age, but from the sudden flight of $330.7 million worth of Bitcoin, spirited away like the briefcase in a magician’s third-rate performance. This wasn’t just any crypto pickpocketing, mind you. According to the cunning sleuth ZachXBT (think: Sherlock Holmes in sweatpants), this event roared onto the blockchain stage as one of the grandest heists yet.
The day—April 28. The scene—a labyrinthine con as intricate as a Nabokovian chess problem. Three thousand five hundred and twenty bitcoins vanished by means of social engineering so “sophisticated” it might have left even Humbert Humbert blushing (and double-checking his passwords). The result? Shockwaves hit the digital coliseum, and for an added spectacle, Monero (that darling of privacy fanatics) pirouetted into the limelight, its price leaping and twirling as if bitten by a radioactive squirrel.
Our swindled BTC then embarked on an odyssey: rapidly splintered, scattered like Nabokov’s elusive butterflies, it skipped through over 300 gaudy wallets, rinsed and spun across more than 20 exchanges. Monero, ever the shady understudy, helped muddle the trail, wearing anonymity like a moth-eaten cloak.
And oh, the ballet of supply and demand! As laundering peaked, Monero’s value soared from a modest $228 to an acrobatic $347, before collapsing onto a chaise longue at $295—utterly exhausted by its own exuberance.
Update: It is confirmed to be a social engineering theft from an elderly individual in the US.
— ZachXBT (@zachxbt) April 30, 2025
Initial armchair detectives, prone to blaming the wind for moving their curtains, theorized that Monero was experiencing some developmental renaissance (or maybe the ghost of Satoshi was playing pranks again). Not so, declared ZachXBT with the nonchalance of a man who has seen too many bored apes and not enough daylight; the pulse in price, it seems, was a mere shadow of smuggled millions.
Targeted attack
To clarify for the folks in the cheap seats: no notorious hacking cabal, neither North Korean nor Bond-villain in flavor, executed this heist. Instead, an individual—heavy with Bitcoin but perhaps light on two-factor authentication—was isolated and pursued by scammers wielding charm, guile, and all the social engineering panache of a spam email written by Oscar Wilde.
“You can fingerprint the type of attack/attacker pretty well if you spend all of your time tracking illicit activity onchain,” mused ZachXBT, his eyes presumably ringed as an owl’s. Every twist, every sluice gate opened, all pointed to a balletic, almost affectionate, exploitation of human folly.
So, chalk it up: fifth-largest crypto escapade in the Book of Hacks, further evidence that veterans of the blockchain bazaar are not immune to tricks worthy of an Odyssean Siren. Police involvement? A mystery. The perpetrator’s identity? Murkier than a Monero mixing pool. All that remains: a cautionary tale with the lingering whiff of an overripe banana and the distant jingle of lost coin.
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2025-04-30 23:48