You Won’t Believe What This Veteran Analyst Just Said About Bitcoin and Markets! 🚨

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In the ever-expanding soap opera of cosmic irrelevance otherwise known as “the economy,” Bitcoin did what Bitcoin invariably likes doing at weekends: it got up, looked around, made a passing attempt at activity, then decided to have a little lie-down after briefly tickling the edge of $98,200. (This, by the way, is *not* enough for even one Vogon constructor fleet.)

Bitcoin: King of Weekend Sofa-Surfing, Still Can’t Crack $98K

So, on the Gregorian Sunday of May 4, Bitcoin elegantly pirouetted 0.7% downwards and landed below $96,000, which—let’s be honest—is statistically almost *somewhere.* It was the second day in a row BTC indulged in gravity, after snorting up to a 70-day high and spooking some institutional investors out of their Friday afternoon naps. And yes, according to our friends at Coingecko, this matters, as long as you’re willing to forget everything that happened on Thursday.

Yes, there was a $2 trillion cap sighting, for about as long as a Millenium Falcon makes the Kessel Run. Sadly, weekend volumes made the party feel more like someone’s lonely birthday on a damp asteroid. Macro caution, meanwhile, hovered nearby, meaning no one dared shout “mooning!” too loudly.

Things aren’t all bad—BTC is up 4.5% over the week and almost 13% if you’ve spent the last 30 days in a cryogenic freezer. Apparently, ETFs and corporate treasuries have been gobbling up coins like Zaphod Beeblebrox hitting an intergalactic minibar.

Unfortunately, $98K is acting like the ultimate nightclub bouncer. Ethereum, meanwhile, failed to get its fake ID accepted above $1,900. Even the futures market on Binance and CME started yawning—never a good sign for those hoping for a champagne-induced rally.

Tom DeMark and the Bear Market Omen: When Doomscrolling Goes Pro

Enter Tom DeMark, a technical wizard with the unnerving habit of being right twice this year. Tom has now declared the S&P 500 is showing signs of “exhaustion,” a phenomenon previously only observed in sloths and teenagers attempting algebra. According to the arcane prophecies of the TD Sequential indicator, we’re dangerously close to a 9-count exhaustion cycle, which historically precedes trend reversals and awkward looks at dinner parties.

Apparently, just two more closing highs will do the trick, at which point everyone is invited into the bear market paddling pool (water probably not included). Tom says, if this ancient ritual completes, S&P 500 might “retrench” (which sounds better than “faceplant”) to below 4,835. That’s over 20% from the highs; the kind of math that explains why so many people now keep their savings in socks and/or fine cheeses.

“A top is imminent. Too much technical damage has been done,” Tom said between sips of existential dread.

Still, he admits things might improve if global trade or liquidity gets less rubbish. You know, if something nice *ever* happens again. 😑

The Next Episode: BTC to $100K or Just Another Loop Around the Sun?

Bitcoin’s dance with the S&P 500 is starting to look less like a hedge and more like an awkward three-legged race at a village fête. Back in February (ancient history), when China went all tariff-happy and markets temporarily lost their sense of humor, Bitcoin’s correlation with the S&P 500 dropped to 0.27%—so basically, BTC was off making friends elsewhere.

Recently though, thanks to President Trump’s latest acts on tariffs and an enthusiastic approach to rate cuts (think: chainsaw at a spaghetti dinner), this correlation is now a spicy 0.82%, which is basically “if you jump, I’ll jump—deal with it.”

So, if DeMark’s predicted market tumble is caused by political shenanigans or someone adding zeros to inflation, there’s hope: Bitcoin might actually benefit because everyone loves a good panic. Historically, panic + monetary easing = new all-time highs and giddy speculation.

But if the S&P 500 drops like a hyperspace whale because of an extinction-level event (recession! contagion! energy crisis!), Bitcoin may be clutching its towel along with everyone else as they plummet into the risk-asset abyss.

Schrödinger’s Bitcoin, Alive, Dead, and Trying for $100K

Bitcoin’s glorious $100K dream and stratospheric $2 trillion market cap are still on the galactic map. But whether it gets there or spends the next few months fending off panic attacks with motivational memes depends on what triggers Wall Street’s next therapy bill.

If political tomfoolery or trade scuffles lead the way, BTC could actually leap higher and finally buy the Lambo of legend. But if it’s the apocalypse in disguise (like economic collapse, mega-recession, or a minor asteroid strike), BTC’s rocket may fail to launch, and Tom DeMark’s warning becomes that rare investment call that actually ages well. 🛸🚀

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2025-05-05 01:14