Somewhere between the misty rivers of cryptocurrency and the prickly hedges of Wall Street, Kraken, that illustrious sea monster of exchanges, finished gobbling up NinjaTrader—ninja stars and all. And lo! Its quarterly coin purse (Q1 revenues, for the fastidious) swelled by a staggering 19% year-on-year to the pleasingly ridiculous sum of $471.7 million. One can practically hear the rubles clinking.
With a flourish worthy of a St. Petersburg impresario, Kraken announced on May 1st that this acquisition would grant US customers a taste of the forbidden fruit—traditional derivatives! What a world: one moment you’re trading Dogecoin, the next you’re neck-deep in good old-fashioned futures. The bankers fainted, the crypto kids shrugged, and the Kraken’s tentacles stretched ever wider, promising a market for every flavor of financial excess. 🍸
NinjaTrader, who moonlights as a registered Futures Commission Merchant (surely the envy of accountants everywhere), recently unleashed trading for over 11,000 stocks and exchange-traded funds. Some US clients, their abacuses whirring, have already begun spinning these new financial plates.
Their deal—grandly called the largest such unholy alliance between crypto and the realm of stodgy old finance—sets NinjaTrader loose across the UK, continental Europe, and the wide, sunburnt landscapes of Australia. Meanwhile, Kraken plots its own debutante ball: an IPO in early 2026, presumably with champagne, confetti, and a debt package between $200 million and $1 billion (depending on whether they fancy caviar or just salted herring).
Kraken: Trump, Tariffs, and the Tears of Traders
And yet, dear reader, just as one hand gathers gold, the other drops rubles in the Neva. Kraken’s revenues—a voluptuous $471.7 million for Q1—rose 19% compared to a year before, but fell 6.8% from the previous quarter. Blame it on Trump, who, with a flick of his presidential wrist, threatened tariffs so wild not even the roosters dared crow. The market cap of crypto, like last year’s cabbage, withered a full 18% in a single quarter.
Trading volume nosedived 9.6% quarter-over-quarter, landing at $208.7 billion, while the value of assets cosplaying as “custodied” shrank 18% to $34.9 billion. Even the sturdiest hodlers shed a tear (but only the left eye, for the right must always watch the candlesticks). 🙄
Ironically, back when the Donald swept November’s election, crypto exchanges like Kraken basked in volatility—somewhere, a trader achieved enlightenment and promptly lost the password to his wallet.
“Softening market,” Kraken sniffed. And yet, their adjusted EBITDA (a phrase which here means ‘earnings before accountancy gives up’) eked up 1% to $187.4 million. Perhaps it’s all the tea, or more likely, all those newly funded accounts—a 10% bump to 3.9 million, though half of them could be run by babushkas in woolen socks for all anyone knows. 🧦
As for the company’s inner sanctum: Reuters tells us that, ever since Arjun Sethi took his seat as co-CEO last October, roughly 400 employees have been shown the door. We can only hope they left with their dignity, and perhaps a few leftover NFTs.
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2025-05-02 04:17