You Won’t Believe What Coinbase Is Doing With Your Crypto Dreams (And Their Stock Price)

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If you, like me, spent much of your summer in front of the AC wondering why you don’t own an alpaca farm in Vermont, the good folks at Coinbase were busy hosting their “State of Crypto” summit in New York City. (No word on whether the state was “mild annoyance” or “complete befuddlement.”) Instead of just letting people gamble on the digital equivalent of Beanie Babies, they announced a slate of products and partnerships so bold that even your cousin who still won’t shut up about Dogecoin had to take a breather. 📈🪙

Meanwhile, some Wall Street analysts with names like Cantor Fitzgerald and the wardrobe to match think this sudden burst of ambition could boost Coinbase’s revenue and the ever-elusive demand for USDC. (Apparently, these are dollars, but make it ✨crypto✨.) On the trading front, they’re flirting with decentralized exchanges—because nothing says “we care about you” like adding Aerodrome and other DEXs you’ve never heard of to their main app. One platform, endless confusion! 👏

Let’s not stop there. Next up: crypto derivatives. (Insert the sound of my accountant sobbing here.) They’re promising U.S. perpetual futures—who doesn’t love a future that never, ever ends? They’re also scooping up Deribit, the kind of crypto derivatives exchange that, if you’d mentioned it last year at Thanksgiving, would have had your uncle rolling his eyes so hard he’d sprain something.

And because nothing spells confidence like a $2.9 billion acquisition, Coinbase just signed a check to buy Deribit. One analyst even said the company is evolving from a “cyclical crypto exchange” into something called a “mission-critical layer of infrastructure,” which is tech bro-speak for “they’ll find another way to lose your money and you’ll love them for it.”

Now, not everything’s up and to the right. Second-quarter trading didn’t quite hit the mark; instead of the projected $357 billion, we’re sitting somewhere south of $250 billion. So, dreams have been politely downsized, just like the packages I keep getting from Amazon. The analysts dropped their 2025 revenue fantasy by 4%. But don’t worry—they’re still “overweight” on the stock and have nudged the price target to $292, perhaps inspired by a dartboard. 🎯

At last check, Coinbase shares are hanging out at $240.50—down 6% this year, which is still better than my portfolio of novelty NFTs and unopened hummus. If nothing else, we can always rely on Coinbase to make the rest of us feel fiscally responsible. 🥲

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2025-06-14 00:04