You Won’t Believe Trump’s Plan To Bury the National Debt Under a Mountain of Bitcoin 💰🐩

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In that most operatic of American chess games, Senator Cynthia Lummis (R-WY) gushed with unbridled delight this week, having basked in the orange-ray glow of President Donald Trump’s blessing upon her proposal—a grandiloquent fantasy to bestow the United States with a strategic hoard of Bitcoin, as if the federal government were an eccentric dragon nurturing its eggs upon a hill of cryptographic gold.

‘America Must Lead’ on Bitcoin, proclaims Lummis, after Trump blesses the Vault of Satoshi

The BITCOIN Act (yes, we’re really doing retronyms as legislation now; writers in Washington are apparently moonlighting for Marvel Comics) sails under the banner of Boosting Innovation, Technology, and Competitiveness through Optimized Investment Nationwide. Glorious! Introduced by Lummis, naturally, the bill would direct some unfortunate bureaucrat to purchase up to 1 million bitcoin (BTC) over five years—approximately 5% of the entire supply, or, to put it in modern terms, enough to buy several moderately sized tropical nations (or at least the naming rights to their stadiums).

The plan is for these digital ducats to rest in vaults, their code as snug as a gold bar was in the pre-Bitcoin days of stuffy bank vaults and pinstriped secrecy. The war-chest itself is to be fed by $6 billion shaved every year off the Federal Reserve’s remittances from 2025–2029. Think of it as taking grandma’s Christmas money and betting it all on eighteen red in the roulette wheel of cyberspace. “As bitcoin comes into more usage, its use makes the whole system more secure, more robust, and more capable of serving our needs all over the world,” rhapsodized Senator Lummis—presumably while consulting an oracle coded on a Casio calculator.

Lummis imagines American and global workers, the unsung yeomen and yeowomen of economy, at last ‘in control of their own money’—by virtue of a multi-trillion dollar cryptographic piggy bank monitored by the U.S. Treasury, naturally. Protocols will be strict, we are assured! Think Fort Knox with two-factor authentication and a sentry of caffeinated interns. Audits will occur (“independent”) and private citizens’ right to self-custody is to be preserved—likely with a ceremonial HODL ring presented in a velvet box.

States, never ones to be left out of a good pandemonium, are invited to stash their own bitcoin (BTC) in blessedly segregated accounts, with legal incantations for blockchain “forks” and airdrops—the digital equivalent of splitting the atom and raining confetti. The Senator swears this will hedge against inflation, prop up the dollar, and block the advance of foreign algorithms hell-bent on world domination.

This crypto-proposal tiptoes right behind Trump’s executive order on bitcoin reserves from seized assets—think repo men in hoodies, but with block explorers instead of crowbars. Enthusiasts hail Lummis’s bill as a “bold step” towards abolishing the $34 trillion debt—truly, all it lacks is a time machine and a winning Powerball ticket—to vault the U.S. into first place in the planetary sprint for digital supremacy.

“I’m particularly pleased,” Lummis said, no doubt with the fervor of a debutante announcing her betrothal to a foreign prince, “with President Trump’s support of my strategic Bitcoin Reserve Initiative, which will address our national debt while securing America’s position as the global leader in financial innovation.” One almost expects a bald eagle to shed a single tear upon hearing such heroic nonsense. đŸ‡ș🇾đŸȘ™đŸ˜‚

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2025-05-02 23:59