You Won’t Believe How Much This Grandma Lost in Crypto! Hackers Strike Again 🤯

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In that pitiless April, when the hollow hope of innocent men—or in this case, a well-intentioned US grandmother—turns into the mockery of mathematics and electrons, calamity struck in a manner so grotesquely grand, one might wonder if the very devil himself had opened a crypto wallet. According to the sly chroniclers at CertiK, losses ballooned by a monstrous 1,163%. No, that’s not a typographical error, nor a Dostoevskian fever dream, but an actual number from this, our so-called “advanced society.”

Through an April 30 post on the public agora known as X—you may know it as the spot where humanity’s grievances go to die—CertiK tallied $364 million evaporating into the ether, up from the almost laughable $28.8 million in March. Nothing like exponential doom to tickle your existential nerves, eh? 😂

The comedy—and what is tragedy but comedy in disguise?—carries on as we learn that benevolent white-hat “exploiters” (modern Robin Hoods with less fashion sense) returned $18.2 million. These heroes of digital ambiguity snatched and regifted funds from KiloEx, Loopscale, and ZKsync, thus rendering April only slightly less catastrophic. Hurrah—for small mercies make for great Dostoevskian novels.

The apogee of this farce? An elderly soul in America, who may have previously used their computer only for crossword puzzles, was liberated of 3,520 Bitcoin—worth $330.7 million. A hacker, armed with nothing but audacity and a keen understanding of human folly, plundered this fortune using “advanced social engineering tactics”—otherwise known as the art of persuasion, or the science of making someone click the wrong link. One must admire the criminal; they only steal what is carelessly dangled in front of them. 🧓💸👺

Had this geriatric tragedy not occurred, April would have registered a milder $34 million in losses—a modest 21% rise. Who among us has not, at one time or another, lost 21% of something dear in a single month?

CertiK, in the manner of the Grand Inquisitors of old, pointed fingers at phishing and the Bitcoin heist as chief culprits. Secondary villains were social engineering (presented with a wink), access control hacks (never trust the doorman), and price manipulation exploits (because numbers are as fragile as human dignity).

February, not to be outdone, remains the annus horribilis of crypto—with $1.53 billion vanishing into the arms of darkness. The Lazarus Group of North Korea—presumably taking a break from other hobbies—still holds the record with a $1.4 billion Bybit hack. Dostoevsky might say: “If God does not exist, everything is permitted, and everyone is hacking.”

Hackers Return Some Funds… Out of Boredom?

Over $18 million sauntered back into the hands of their former owners, as if the digital bandits were suddenly gripped by ennui or pangs of Dostoevskian repentance. KiloEx, after losing $7.5 million, briefly ceased to exist—then received every lost coin back, just days later. (One can only imagine the emotional whiplash. If only lost hope were refunded so easily!)

ZKsync Association also retrieved $5 million after an airdrop contract mishap—perhaps proving that fate occasionally grows weary of humiliating us. Meanwhile, the DeFi protocol Loopscale recovered half its lost fortune after RateX PT token pricing was artfully manipulated, losing $5.7 million in USDC and 1,200 Solana. That’s DeFi for you: half the money disappears, and there’s no manager to scold. 🤷‍♂️

Losses to crypto scams, hacks and various exploits were, if trends can be trusted (spoiler: they cannot), paling towards December, with only $28.6 million stolen. Before you uncork the champagne, remember that this “improvement” followed $63.8 million in November and $115.8 million in October. Progress, Dostoevsky reminds us, is perhaps a myth we invented to console ourselves while the hackers laugh.

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2025-05-01 08:56