Trump Throws Tariffs Like Confetti—Will Crypto Turn Into a Gulag of Losses? 😂

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Of course, the commander-in-chief, a man with more bravado than bread on the table in a Siberian winter, once again declared—amidst the ticking, endless watches of power—that tariffs would drum against foreign lands. Ninety days? A mere appetizer, a soup before the real hunger begins. And somewhere beyond the Potomac, the crypto market caught shivers not from the chill of the Taiga, but from the cold words thundered in his Truth Social, that remote bastion of late-night declarations.

Crypto Market Clings to Its Sledge as Trump Lights a Fire Under Tariffs

Beneath the glare of his orange sun, a new gospel is preached: “Tariffs will rain, and out from the soot, our country—our paradise of caviar dreams and cheeseburger realities—will erupt into bloom.” Somewhere in the steppes of the blockchain, crypto miners pause, wondering if they should trade GPUs for loaves of bread and stories of longing.

Then comes the sly nudge: A market collapse? Not tariffs, not these iron claws. Blame Biden—blame anyone; perhaps blame the hunchbacked shadows behind every administrative door. When the market rises again (if the thaw ever comes), it will “boom as no other,” or so the proclamation echoes through echoing, half-empty chambers.

Yet, in the early dusk, while leaders conjure visions of American springtime, the crypto market shivers on its bunk. Bitcoin peers out from under its blanket, altcoins mutter in uneasy formation. Will they be sent to the crypto camps of despair, or slip the shackles and see their shadows once more? Only fate, the bureaucracy, and a few late-night tweets (🤦‍♂️) can say.

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2025-04-30 18:47