You’ve got to admire the audacity required to stand in front of a painting of yourself and, with a perfectly straight face, declare you’re not cashing in on the masterpiece. In this latest episode of ‘As the Ledger Turns,’ President Donald Trump, the man with gold-plated everything (and, I assume, a Roomba made of bitcoin), is brushing off accusations that his administration’s passion for all things crypto is lining his own pockets.
He sat down with NBC News, who probably resisted the urge to slip him a business card for tax attorneys, and explained with his signature subtlety: “I’m not profiting from anything. All I’m doing is… I started this long before the election.” (I would like to point out that most sentences beginning with “All I’m doing is…” have never ended with good news and are often followed by “relax, officer.”)
“I think crypto is important because if we don’t do it, China’s going to. And it’s new. It’s very popular. It’s very hot.”
I picture him here like a kid explaining to his mother why Pokémon cards are a rock-solid financial investment. “It’s very hot, mom. You just don’t get it.”
He also gave this gem: “If you look at the market, when the market went down, that stayed much stronger than other aspects of the market. But I want crypto because a lot of people, you know millions of people want it…”
Translate: “If millions of people jumped off a crypto bridge, I’d be first in line, in a gold jumpsuit, live-streaming it.”
And when confronted with accusations of, you know, making several lifetimes of money off the whole thing, Trump volleyed back: “If I own stock in something and I do a good job and the stock market goes up, I guess I’m profiting.”
Ah, so if the yacht fits… 🚤💸
Meanwhile, the nonprofit State Democracy Defenders Action, whose name sounds like a Saturday morning cartoon I wouldn’t wake up for, released a report claiming Trump’s “recent foray into crypto” has padded his net worth faster than you can say “blockchain pivot.”
Instead of avoiding even the shadow of a conflict of interest, their conclusion reads like the plot to “Wolf of Wall Street 2: Digital Boogaloo”—he allegedly positioned himself to “maximize profiting from them by adopting a less aggressive regulatory and enforcement program.” Probably while humming “Money, money, money, mooooney.”
If you trust Fortune’s math—which probably comes with fewer gold leaf illustrations than Trump’s own accounting—he’s now sitting on $2.9 billion in crypto assets. But don’t worry. He’s definitely not profiting. He’s just passionately collecting digital coins by accident. Happens to the best of us. 🪙🍀
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2025-05-06 20:24