This Crypto Bill Was So Wild Even Congress Did a Double-Take đŸ€Ż

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Early Monday—when most people were still rubbing sleep from their eyes and the smell of burnt toast filled American kitchens—an astonishing draft flopped onto digital desks everywhere: the shiny, much-whispered market structure bill for crypto! đŸ«

Now, the rumor mill was churning fast after that last bill with the jazzy name FIT21 was criticized for tying up the SEC’s shoelaces, leaving the poor fellows tottering around like dazed penguins. This latest creation is supposed to hand out clear lunchboxes: the SEC gets the cryptos wearing investment contract labels; the CFTC bags the rest (think: the crunchy digital commodities with extra nuts). Everybody’s happy—except perhaps the penguins. 🐧

Our friend Justin Slaughter from Paradigm piped up from his X megaphone to announce, “The CFTC’s running the show, but the SEC’s hanging on ‘til your favorite crypto network proves it actually cares about being all ‘Bill and Ted’—you know, decentralized and excellent to each other.”

And what, pray tell, is this fancy “decentralized” thing? Well, just imagine a chocolate factory: no one person is allowed to steal all the sweets. If anyone snatches more than 10% of the stash, everyone’s got to know who’s hoarding, lest there be a scandal and the Oompa Loompas unionize. Can’t be too careful, right?

If the blockchain comes out “mature” (think: responsible, doesn’t eat glue, goes to bed on time, can’t be randomly mugged by one owner), then it’s treated as such—apparently being “open” and “functional” is no longer just for cardigan-wearing teachers.

There’s good news for would-be crypto darlings: the draft chucked out all those grumpy requirements about net worth. Now, more everyday folks can join the circus! đŸŽȘ Hope you brought your popcorn—just watch out for flying tokens.

On the topic of DeFi, some protocols get to wriggle away from regulation if they don’t mind their neighbor’s crypto cats and aren’t trusted with the keys to anything (non-custodial, for the boffins).

Faryar Shirzad from Coinbase stormed onto X, declaring—with thunder and confetti in the air—that Congress is actually working together to unlock crypto innovation in the US. Somewhere nearby, unicorns pranced, and bipartisan rainbows filled the sky. 🌈 (Or maybe not, but one can always hope.)

The bill even gives stablecoins a shiny badge without sticking them in the “security” dunce corner, which is frankly a relief. Who wants to wear that hat, anyway?

Meanwhile, according to U.Today, the mighty stablecoin legislation has met a hill so steep in the Senate, even the best Sherpas don’t want to climb it—thanks in part to a parade of pro-crypto Democrats suddenly getting cold feet beneath the desk. 🧊

Last but never least, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer has been spotted squinting suspiciously at Tether, the stablecoin star, as if it just pinched his sandwich from the fridge. Stay tuned for the next episode of “Congress Meets Crypto: Who Sneaked the Cookies?” đŸȘ

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2025-05-05 22:18