Senators Shock Nation with Daring Plan to Outlaw Politicians’ Crypto Antics (No, Really!)

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The corridors of power are in a veritable flap (think: startled duck meets malfunctioning drone) after the presentation of the “End Crypto Corruption Act of 2025”—a title almost as subtle as a marching band on stilts. This legislative gem, dropped into the Senate’s inbox on May 7, proposes a simple dictum: No current or former federal bigwigs—President, Vice President, Cabinet appointee, grand poohbah of the lunch committee, or even the chap who fetches the coffee—may hock, tout, or nudge so much as a single Dogecoin to the innocent toms, richards, and harriets of America. The ban even stretches its tendrils to spouses and offspring (for one whole year after leaving office, lest they get any bright ideas at the family brunch 🍳).

Don’t panic! Standard asset sales remain kosher for the moment, but the bill comes down on promotional curiousness like a grand piano on a cartoon coyote. It’s tailor-made to keep those wholesome, upright public servants from moonlighting as crypto shills, following the kerfuffle over Trump-themed meme coins. Who could forget the White House’s inspired decision to invite the top holders of said meme coin to dinner? The resulting uproar may or may not have involved fainting fits and a clutch of pearl necklaces snapped in outrage.

Senator Elissa Slotkin—one of the bill’s architects—periodically emerges from the smoke-filled back rooms to declare that it’s all about drawing a line, presumably in indelible ink, between public office and the irresistible lure of private gain. “The president isn’t just embracing crypto—he’s monetizing it,” she intoned, channeling just a hint of someone who discovered her spouse selling family secrets for points in Candy Crush.

Swanning into the scene as only he can is Elon Musk, holding a mysterious federal advisory post under the Department of Government Efficiency (mercifully abbreviated to DOGE, and yes, 🤖 the internet notices). Musk, always at the ready with a quip, confirmed no connection between his august self and the memecoin of a similar stripe; there’ll be no government compensation paid out in Shiba Inu-branded tokens, no matter how many memes Twitter can muster.

Of course, this bill emerges amidst a grand donnybrook between parties, who seem to agree on one thing only: they cannot agree on anything, especially crypto. The Democrats, eyebrows permanently arched in skepticism, seethe over the GOP’s habit of throwing wrenches (and possibly entire toolkits) into anti-money laundering and foreign oversight provisions. Whispers of a $2 billion stablecoin affair featuring Trump and a shadowy foreign investment firm have added just enough fuel to light the entire Senate’s hair on fire 🔥.

And so the question remains: what of Trump’s alleged escapades at World Liberty Financial? The bill’s authors are sure this legislation is the only way to prevent America’s highest offices from becoming the starting line for the next meme token stampede. Whether it works, or merely gives late-night hosts fodder for the next century, is anyone’s guess.

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2025-05-12 08:22