SBF’s Pardon Bid: A Cosmic Joke Trump Refuses to Laugh At

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Sam Bankman-Fried, former FTX CEO and current occupant of the federal prison’s “I Told You I Wasn’t a Criminal” wing, has embarked on a pardon campaign so desperate it makes a toddler’s plea for an ice cream cone seem like a state secret. Unfortunately for SBF, Donald Trump has politely declined to play along, citing reasons that may or may not involve a rubber chicken and a very small net.

White House Rejects SBF’s Pardon Push

Bankman-Fried, now a man who once wore a suit and now wears a jumpsuit with the word “MAYBE” embroidered on the back, has attempted to reinvent himself as a political chameleon. His efforts, however, have been met with the kind of enthusiasm usually reserved for a telemarketer selling timeshares in Siberia. Fortune magazine reports that his latest act involves quoting MAGA slogans while serving time, a performance so awkward it makes a mime’s career change seem dignified.

On social media (via a proxy, of course-prison policy forbids tweeting with your own hands), SBF has accused Judge Lewis Kaplan of political bias and praised Donald Trump for his anti-“activist judge” stance. This marks a dramatic pivot from his previous role as a Democratic donor who once funded causes like climate change and the idea that maybe, just maybe, capitalism could be slightly less evil. Now he’s funding a new cause: the idea that maybe, just maybe, Trump could be slightly less busy.

SBF’s strategy appears to be a desperate attempt to secure a presidential pardon. Since January 2025, Trump has pardoned several financial offenders, including Binance’s Changpeng Zhao, who might now be the only person in history to receive both a pardon and a standing ovation at a cryptocurrency conference. However, the White House has made it clear that SBF is not on the list. A spokesperson said this with the kind of finality usually reserved for explaining why you can’t eat the last donut in the office kitchen.

While SBF continues to appeal his 25-year sentence (a term so long it could be mistaken for a subscription to a streaming service), he remains active on X, where his posts are amplified by anonymous accounts. Critics suggest these accounts might be operated by SBF’s lawyers, his ex-girlfriend, or a particularly ambitious squirrel with a grudge. Either way, the campaign is as effective as trying to stop a hurricane with a fan.

Political analysts agree that SBF’s chances of a pardon are about as high as the chances of Trump admitting he was wrong in 2016. In the current climate, where even the most enthusiastic MAGA supporter might hesitate to defend a multi-billion-dollar fraud case, political alignment alone isn’t enough. SBF’s reputation, both in Washington and the crypto world, is about as solid as a house built on Jell-O.

FAQ❓

  • Is Donald Trump planning to pardon Sam Bankman-Fried?
    No. The White House says no. The moon says no. Even the squirrel with the grudge says no.
  • Why is Bankman-Fried appealing to conservative audiences?
    Because when you’ve run out of ideas, you try to convince people that their enemies are your enemies too. It’s called “political theater,” and it’s about as convincing as a mime trying to explain calculus.
  • What sentence is Bankman-Fried serving?
    25 years in federal prison. This is a term so long it could be mistaken for a commitment to a Netflix series.
  • Has Trump pardoned other crypto figures?
    Yes. Changpeng Zhao received a pardon, which is impressive because it’s harder to pardon a person than to explain blockchain to a goldfish.

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2026-02-27 23:57