Saylor’s Billion-Dollar Faceplant — Surprised? 🤔

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Bitcoin-focused Strategy (formerly MicroStrategy — guess it needed a cool new name) has announced it’ll log a whopper of a $5.9 billion “unrealized” loss for the first quarter. Why? Some brand-new accounting rule that says, “Hey, maybe we account for these digital coins at market prices.” Imagine that! 🤷

Yes, this same Strategy happens to be the biggest corporate BTC hoarder, sitting on 528,185 Bitcoin. But lately, they’ve been as quiet as a mime: no shiny new crypto buys from March 31 to April 6. Maybe the folks at Strategy were too busy ordering takeout to worry about another truckload of BTC. 🤔

Strategy Registers $5.9 Billion Loss

On Monday, Strategy’s shares decided to take a nosedive (down 14%) right after the market did its own little swan dive. And guess what? Bitcoin almost wiped away all 2024 election-era gains — that’s right, a near plot twist for the ages. Naturally, Strategy’s accountants had to own up to the roller-coaster ride of BTC’s changing prices. It’s a bit like counting your jelly beans every day and pretending it’s still fun. 😂

Before this grand accounting revelation, Strategy treated BTC like intangible assets — kinda like brand recognition or the extra special sauce in a burger joint. You never quite see it, but you know it’s there. This allowed them to mark down value when BTC went south. Gains? Only if they sold their beloved Bitcoin. But Chairman Saylor famously said he’d rather have his keys burned upon his demise than ever sell. Now that’s commitment… or something. 🤷

Saylor’s BTC Shopping Spree

A huge chunk of this first-quarter “oops” moment stems from Saylor’s tricky Bitcoin buys. Turns out, that buying frenzy saddled Strategy’s books with about $1 billion in paper losses — all because they splurged $7.79 billion on acquiring BTC in 2025 like it was a never-ending buffet. Strategy had $41.8 billion worth of Bitcoin going into the year, but then BTC price fizzled down by 12%, so poof — $5 billion gone. The folks at Bloomberg say that’s around $6 billion in market-to-market losses. Ouch. 😬

But wait! Thanks to the fancy accounting shift, the company’s retained earnings will magically yo-yo into positive territory by about $13 billion. Strategy’s basically the granddaddy of mixing Bitcoin with capital acquisition, thanks to co-founder Michael Saylor’s unstoppable belief that the firm had to adopt the policy to stay relevant. Wall Street ate it up for a while, treating Strategy shares like a stand-in for actual Bitcoin. Saylor, never one to miss an opening, sold more shares so he could buy — guess what? — more Bitcoin. It’s like a never-ending buffet line of cryptocurrency, funded by convertible and preferred shares. 🤷

But with Bitcoin’s price feeling queasy these days, Strategy’s once-dazzling share price gains have gone on vacation. In fact, those grinches over at Monness, Crespi, Hardt, and Co. just handed Strategy its lone sell rating. Way to kill the vibe, guys. 😒

Strategy Pauses Bitcoin Purchases

To top it all off, Strategy slammed the breaks on its all-you-can-buy BTC buffet. No new crypto purchases after March 31, no Class A shares sold for the cause, and nothing new during the week that saw BTC dip below $80,000. A rare pause indeed for the company that usually shouts “Buy the dip!” Yet with 528,185 BTC bought at an average price of $67,458, the red ink’s piling up. The last buy? March 22, a day or two before the market decided to play trick-or-treat in the spring. But Saylor’s still Mr. Sunshine, insisting:

“Bitcoin is most volatile because it is most useful. Bitcoin offers resilience in a world full of hidden risks.”

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2025-04-08 16:11