Revolut’s Fancy New Valuation: A Tale of Dreams, Drapes, and Delusions

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In a spectacle that would make even the most jaded banker choke on his morning port, Revolut has decided to grace the world with a secondary share sale, valuing the fintech darling at a staggering $75 billion. That’s right-just enough zeros to keep the accountants busy and the investors’ pockets jingling. Apparently, the employees are now permitted to sell a princely 20% of their holdings-perhaps to fund new holidays or to buy that yacht they’ve been threading about in their dreams.

Revolut logo and financial charts

And what a year it’s been! The company nearly doubled its revenue and profit in 2024, so investors have responded with the kind of enthusiasm that only a good bubble-bursting crash can cure. Expansion into U.S. banking and the crypto cosmos further bolsters its reputation for bold, if somewhat reckless, ambition-like a velociraptor with a penchant for digital currencies.

The report, which surfaced on September 1 via Reuters-because where else would such a momentous thing be announced?-puts shares at a hefty $1,381 each. Only a year earlier, a secondary sale led by Coatue, D1 Capital Partners, and Tiger Global had set the valuation at a ‘measly’ $45 billion. Ah, how quaint.

The $75 billion figure is as dizzying as a dinner party with the Dursleys-extraordinarily rapid ascent. With $4 billion in revenue and a billion-dollar profit, Revolut boasts over 50 million users worldwide, offering a delectable mix of stock trading, payments, and a crypto arm that even the most jaded speculator can’t help but eye with a mix of envy and suspicion.

Valuation-A Case of Eyes Wide Open or Just Good Old Reckless Fantasy?

Following earlier whispers of $60 and $65 billion valuations-probably whispered in the corridors of the more optimistic-Revolut chose to dismiss those, probably citing “just a bit more enthusiasm, folks.” Meanwhile, sceptics note that private markets like Forge still peg its shares below $1,000-I suppose in the hope that one day the magic kingdom of public markets might actually agree with the company’s lofty dreams. For employees, the sale is a chance to cash out before what many hope will be a future IPO in New York rather than London, where the queen’s currency still rules.

Cryptocurrency symbols and financial graphs

The Great Expansion and Crypto Fandango

Coinciding with the sale, Revolut is mounting a global offensive, unleashing Revolut X-a cryptocurrency trading app to stir the pot-and working tirelessly to snag a U.S. banking charter, which would let it lend across the States, no less. Latin America isn’t neglected either, where it’s testing a fiat-pegged stablecoin, essentially a digital version of the local currency, to keep everyone happy and coins flowing.

All of this, of course, positions Revolut as Europe’s most vaunted private tech unicorn, soaring past rivals like Stripe in valuation-although the public markets remain somewhat less convinced, as demonstrated by share prices languishing below the magic $1,000 mark. But, hey, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and investors are evidently gazing at Revolut with the same mixture of hope, trepidation, and the faint smell of burning paper that characterizes any good financial adventure.

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2025-09-02 07:01