Powell’s Palace Panic: Fed Chair Faces Perjury Probe Over $2.5B Bling! 💸🏛️

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  • Rep. Luna summons the D.O.J. to probe Powell’s testimony – accusing it of possessing more fiction than Wilde’s Dorian Gray portrait. 🎭
  • Powell scraps marble thrones and golden bidets – claiming austerity while contractors weep into their velvet hammers. 🔨💎
  • The Fed bleeds red ink for the first time, proving billion-dollar renovations may slightly exceed pocket change. Who knew? 🩸💼

In a world where truth is increasingly optional – like virtue at a casino – Fed Chairman Jerome Powell faces the mortifying ordeal of being charged with perjury. This deliciously scandalous referral, orchestrated by Rep. Luna, transforms a mundane $2.5 billion headquarters renovation into a Shakespearean tragedy performed with taxpayers’ wallets.💰 The sheer audacity of budgetary shortages has raised eyebrows higher than Wilde’s at a dull soirée.

Source – X (formerly Twitter, before it became an app for existential crises)

The kerfuffle blossomed when Luna detected Powell allegedly employing Washington’s finest tradition: creative accounting. Representatives testified, repairs were promised, and suddenly lavish rooftop gardens materialized – exhibiting financial transparency clearer than mud through Venetian blinds. 😮

The Austerity Waltz: Powell Dances on Marble Debris

Critics highlight the $700 million cost overrun – a mere rounding error when constructing modern Versailles. Blueprints once showcased botanical penthouse paradises and diamond-studded fire escapes 🚒💎, naturally escalating costs to $1,923 per square foot. A bargain when compared to purchasing Twitter, but still rather dearer than draping wallpaper over asbestos.

Russell Vought penned an elegant condemnation to Powell, noting that Versailles – had Marie Antoinette commissioned it today – might’ve cost $3 billion. “Reinstitute oversight committees!” he cried, doubtless between sips of champagne.🍾

“Out goes asbestos! Begone, prehistoric wiring!” His defense? That luxury features evaporated like morals at a lobbyist luncheon: “Downsized designs eliminated VIP elevators,” he announced solemnly, as workers quietly folded velvet ropes. 🎫

Deficits & Decorators: Federal Reserve Goes Bankrupt Tastefully

The Federal Reserve now experiences its maiden deficit – a fiscal cherry-popping admittedly awkward amidst scaffoldings. Estimated costs leapt from $1.9B to $2.5B faster than you can say “artisan plumbing”. Labour shortages? Material inflation? Try locating contractors willing to restore federal grandeur for Walmart prices.😒

Despite scaling back paradise – removing bubbling champagne fountains and solid-gnome garden decor – political tempers flare hotter than contractual blowtorches. Even President Trump chimed in: “Resign if you lied!” proving scandal unites politicians far faster than logic ever could. 🤝

Powell retorted with bureaucratic serenity: “We monitored rigorously.” A charming assurance from a gentleman overseeing America’s first federally-funded palatial headache since… well, ever. Sleep soundly, citizens! 🏰🛌

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2025-07-20 08:23