Speaking at the Solana Breakpoint conference, Figure executive chairman Mike Cagney declared, “We’re launching a new version of Figure equity on a public blockchain,” which, if we’re being honest, sounds less like a financial innovation and more like a very expensive game of Monopoly. 🎲
Meanwhile, Circle got its nod of approval, and stalwarts like BitGo, Fidelity, and Paxos gracefully pirouetted their state-chartered trust companies into the federal system, as the ever-diligent journalist Eleanor Terrett reported with a flair only slightly less dazzling than a peacock at a ball.
“Redeemable 1:1” is the magic spell Hex Trust casts, promising XRP deposits locked in custody like a miser’s treasure. Burn it when you’re done? Of course! But let’s not forget the KYC/AML hoopla-because nothing says “trust” like paperwork. The firm’s pitch? A 1:1-backed token, “built to support cross-chain utility and DeFi activity.” Translation: “We’re making money, but we’re very responsible.” 💼🔐
According to the wizards at CryptoQuant, memecoin dominance has plummeted to levels not seen since February 2024. That’s right, the era of “to the moon, bro!” seems to be more like “to the couch, bro.” Ki Young Ji, the CryptoQuant bigwig, put it bluntly: “Memecoin markets are dead.” Ouch. That’s gotta hurt more than stepping on a Lego barefoot. 🧱👣
According to Fortune, PayPal’s crypto maestro, May Zabaneh, proclaimed, “The beauty of what we’ve built is that YouTube doesn’t have to touch crypto and so we can help take away that complexity.” Ah, the elegance of outsourcing one’s troubles! 💅 She further revealed that this PYUSD payout option debuted in the third quarter of 2025, exclusively for U.S. creators. How patriotic! 🇺🇸
Key Takeaways (Because You’re Skimming)
Rate cuts usually make investors ditch dollars for riskier bets-except this time, BTC tumbled then wiggled back up, like a toddler on a pogo stick. The CoinDesk 20 Index? Up 0.57% since midnight UTC. A triumph? Only if your definition of “triumph” is a yawn. 😴
But wait! In the shadows of this financial theater, a whale emerges-not the kind that sings sad songs in the ocean, but one that devours $612 million in BTC, ETH, and SOL longs. Yes, you read that right. $612 million. Enough to make a banker blush and a socialist weep. 🤑
The 1-hour chart looks like a rollercoaster designed by a mischievous imp. HBAR’s been wobbling between $0.1307 and $0.1310, as if it’s stuck in a particularly stubborn patch of quicksand. Earlier, it flirted with $0.142-$0.144, but buyers were as reliable as a chocolate teapot. ☕️
My dear reader, it is with a most solemn tone that I relate the recent events transpiring between the esteemed Binance and the beleaguered Upbit. South Korean constabulary, with all the urgency of a gentleman tardy to a ball, requested the freezing of 470 million KRW in Solana tokens-stolen, one presumes, by a rogue with … Read more