Currency Forecast

This year alone, Metaplanet has conjured ¥242.4 billion ($1.7 billion) from the ether of equity sales, funneling it into bitcoin buys with the fervor of a bureaucrat chasing a promotion. 🤑 The result? A 468% surge in bitcoin holdings per diluted share since January 2025-a miracle, or perhaps the work of a mischievous domovoi? 🤔 Now, the company beckons shareholders to an EGM on Sept. 1, pleading for approval to spawn new common and perpetual preferred shares, those elusive “Metaplanet Prefs.” If granted, up to ¥555 billion ($3.9 billion) will flow like sake at a wedding, all to fuel this bitcoin bonanza. 🍶🚀

Then the analysts-ah, the wordy tribe who once greeted cholera with pamphlets-declare, “This is no bubble, kamarads, merely the entire chain coughing up three million active wallets a day.” Pop! goes the prose. Throughput tripled, DeFi coffers brim like feast-tables after a Tolstoy wedding, Visa spins USDC faster than the post-race Troika, and somewhere in the prop room a freshly-minted NFT monkey tips its hat.

Now, if you squint at the multi-month chart, you might just see a flag and pole pattern that’s more exciting than a penguin on roller skates! 🛼 Crypto analyst Ali Martinez is waving his magic wand, suggesting that if this breakout happens, we could see PENGU soaring to $0.075 by mid-September! That’s right, folks, 100% more PENGU for your penguin-loving buck! 🤑

On July’s final day-cue dramatic music-Bitcoin in South Korea finally synced up with global prices after weeks of playing hard to get. But alas, this “happy ending” lasted about as long as your New Year’s resolutions. By early August, the country flipped to a premium (imagine charging extra for popcorn at the movies), only to slide back into discount territory faster than you can say “cryptocurrency chaos.”

From the depths of a high-time frame support at $9.49, Chainlink (LINK) has embarked on a most audacious and bullish uptrend, much to the delight of its admirers. The reclaim of both the value area low and the point of control (POC) laid the groundwork for this current romp, propelling LINK into a spirited upward dance. Now, it trades above the value area high, but the path to glory is not without its challenges, as it faces a formidable resistance at $24.88. Conquering this barrier could pave the way for a grander adventure into uncharted territories.

The program, which unfurled its petals on August 13, 2025, operates with the subtlety of a chess grandmaster. No opt-ins, no approvals-merely the passive elegance of holding one’s Aave positions, like a dandy holding a monocle. How très chic, no? 🕶️

Leaders: UNI (+6.5%) and SOL (+6.4%) are currently leading the charge, like two particularly enthusiastic dwarves in a cryptocurrency miners’ guild.

Laggards: BCH (-1.9%) and XLM (+0.2%) are lagging behind, which is less exciting than watching a witch try to ride a goose. 🧙‍♀️ Goose: “Not today.”

The broader fashion, observed from a safe, snobbish distance, is to stitch together stablecoin blockchains like so many novelty quilts: Plasma raised $373 million while still damp from conception, Stable orbits Tether like a devoted spaniel, and now Tempo enters stage left humming a jaunty “me too”.

Zak Cole, a name respected in the Ethereum community, fell prey to a cunning piece of software from Cursor AI. This digital serpent slithered its way into his system, granting attackers access to his hot wallet for three days before making off with its contents. The culprit? An innocuous-looking plugin named “contractshark.solidity-lang.” It wore the mask of legitimacy well: professional iconography, persuasive descriptions, and over 54,000 downloads. But beneath this polished exterior lay betrayal-a silent thief that read his .env file and spirited away his private key to an attacker’s server.

Shiba Inu, that canine emblem perched atop the temple of memes, has leapt-a most canine leap-over 8% in the span of a single rotation of our weary planet, now prancing at the curious threshold of $0.00001394 (CoinGecko’s digital abacus confirms). Market cap? A voluptuous $8.2 billion-one could buy several respectable European principalities, or at least a modest yacht decorated with emojis.