Currency Forecast

Over at Polymarket, the crypto betting den where hope goes to die (or cash out), SBF’s pardon odds skyrocketed from a measly 5.6% to a slightly less measly 12% in 12 hours. 💸 Someone even dropped $302,090 on the idea, because apparently, throwing money at a sinking ship is still a thing. Another market asked if SBF would be out by 2025, and the odds jumped from 4.3% to 19.1% before settling at 15.5%. Spoiler alert #2: his appeal is moving slower than a dial-up connection. 📉

In his thrilling Thursday missive, Energy Secretary Chris Wright basically said, “Hey FERC, stop dragging your feet. Let these electricity-guzzling monsters plug directly into the high-voltage transmission system. You know, the one that powers steel mills and factories, not your cousin’s garage Bitcoin setup.”

In the stormy sea of uncertainty that is the crypto industry, a glimmer of salvation flickered like a lantern on a fog-swept hill. The United States, long adrift in regulatory limbo, may finally chart a course. White House Oz-and we mean Oz, as in Wizard-David Sacks declared the nation is in an “excellent position” to pass crypto legislation by year’s end. Excellent? More like “excellent excuse to keep the tea kettle bubbling while we shovel snow with our bare hands,” but hey, it’s a start.

The US Bureau of Labor Statistics (the folks who decide how miserable your grocery bills are) is finally serving up the Consumer Price Index (CPI). Spoiler: it’s late because the government shut down, the government! They’re busy perfecting the art of disappearing just when you need them most.

In a post on X earlier this week, the ever-so-confident Mel Mattison-a financial services veteran, no less-announced that buying Bitcoin is the new black. 💼 He believes BTC is entering a bullish phase, hinting at a “massive run” on the horizon. Isn’t that just thrilling?

The ex-President, a man whose pronouncements are often as reliable as a weather forecast dictated by a particularly whimsical goldfish, has deigned to comment on the pardon granted to one Changpeng Zhao – “CZ” to those in the know, or those attempting to appear so. Apparently, a considerable chorus of voices, little songbirds of influence, fluttered around his ear, whispering assurances that the gentleman hadn’t, in fact, done anything terribly dreadful. A fascinatingly vague justification, wouldn’t you agree? 😇

“I believe Bitcoin shall be more esteemed than the lustrous gold,” Marcus intoned into the ether. “With today’s prices on gold, of course, one arrives at the figure of $1.3 million per Bitcoin.” Such assertions of monetary prognostication beyond one’s own experience do instill a rather cheery confidence. Although Marcus, ever modest in jest, professed his deficiency in the art of temporal predictions, he maintained the progressiveness of his forecast over what he tenderly refers to as a “five-to-ten-year” horizon, rather than a near-term bull market. Thus, with Gold’s rarefied pinnacle at $4,381.58/oz recently observed, one must concede to the preposterous notion of Bitcoin’s potential value soaring above $1.53 million. 📉📈

According to Bloomberg (yes, the same folks who tell you how to invest in avocado toast), the Department of Commerce is eyeing the CHIPS Act funds like a kid eyes the last slice of pizza. Their goal? To keep China from out-quantum-ing us. Because nothing says “freedom” like a good old-fashioned tech arms race. 🇺🇸🆚🇨🇳

In case you missed it, Spark has decided to shuffle a chunk of its $9 billion USDS stablecoin reserve into Superstate’s fancy-pants Crypto Carry Fund (USCC). This fund isn’t about fancy jargon and Wall Street mumbo jumbo – it’s all about making those juicy profits by capitalizing on the price difference between crypto assets like Bitcoin (BTC) and Ethereum (ETH) and their futures contracts on the CME. Talk about playing the long game! 🤑