JPMorgan Chase & Co. has filed to offer Bitcoin-backed structured notes that track BlackRock’s Bitcoin ETF (IBIT), according to regulatory documents that probably took three lawyers, two interns, and a partridge in a pear tree to decode.
“Encrypted messaging apps, like Signal, are ‘important for preserving our digital privacy,’” Buterin trilled on X, with all the gravitas of a man who’s never had to worry about his DMs being read by the local constabulary. He then proceeded to anoint Session and SimpleX Chat as the new messiahs of metadata modesty, bestowing upon each the princely sum of 128 ETH. 🤑🙏
Per the incantations set within a filing with the American Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC), this structured note, understatedly strategic, pirouettes in time with Bitcoin’s looming Halving-a riveting four-year cycle set to climax in 2028.
Lennaert Snyder, that sage of spreadsheets and soothsayer of charts, has deigned to grace us with his insights. In a recent soliloquy, he noted that Bitcoin is locked in a battle as epic as it is tedious, grappling with the $89,000 resistance level. “A nice bounce,” he remarked with the casual air of a man who has seen too many bounces to be impressed, “from the support box I sketched yesterday.” To those who dared to long for the bottom, he offered a wry “enjoy the gains,” as if tossing a crumb to a starving pigeon. The $86,000 support box, he confirmed, remains valid-but only for reversals, a caveat as useful as a screen door on a submarine. Should Bitcoin retreat to this level, it would be a sign as weak as a handshake from a politician, indicating that buyers are as feeble as a kitten in a hurricane. 🧢💼
This smashing is Upbit’s sequel to the incredibly good 2019 Ethereum heist of $50 million (cue dramatic music). The latest victim list reads like the Fort Knox of virtual treasures: Solana (SOL), USDC (because why not a charming stablecoin), Render (RENDER), Pyth Network (PYTH), Raydium (RAY), Jupiter (JUP), Jito (JTO), Orca (ORCA), plus some delightful meme coins like Bonk (BONK), Cat in a Dogs World (MEW), and Moo Deng (MOODENG). 🐈🎉
But wait! There’s more! 🎭 Just when you thought the show couldn’t get grimmer, enter: the short-term holders. 🫣 These brave souls-bless their impulsive hearts-rushed in like peasants chasing a carnival mirage, only to be vaporized by the cold breath of market reality. According to On-Chain Mind (yes, that’s a real name, not a rejected philosophy podcast), these modern-day Don Quixotes are now sustaining the biggest realized losses in Bitcoin’s entire checkered history. We’re talking over $900 million per day flushed into the abyss-enough to fund a small country’s espresso addiction for a decade. ☕💸
In a world where paperwork can make a dragon yawnTM, our hero, Securitize, has somehow convinced the EU that tokenizing real-world assets (RWAs) is a thing that should be allowed. According to a press release delivered with the urgency of a herald shouting in a≬busy tavern, they’re now licensed to run this digital-securities circus across both the U.S. and EU. Fancy! 🎩✨
On a Wednesday, amidst the storm of social media posts, Glassnode shared a comparison-because who doesn’t love a good Excel chart?-showing Bitcoin’s (BTC) price and the net flows of USDt (USDT) to exchanges from December 2023 onward. They say every time USDT leaves the building-outflows, in fancy terms-Bitcoin’s price looks up, like a kid spotting candy. During euphoric days, investors seem to throw away USDT faster than old socks, knocking out $100M to $200M daily, celebrating at the peak of October’s $126K with over $220M exiting-probably to buy some more expensive coffee. ☕
As for Conor’s precious REAL token, he tried to be clever-sealing bids, dodging sneaky snipers and robots, staking rewards, the whole fancy schmancy show. But alas, the crypto gods weren’t feeling generous-raising only 39% of the target. The rest became just another digital ghost story-refunded, regretted, and retold with a snicker. The market downturn and the memecoin gloom cast their shadow, turning dreams of gold into digital dust. 💸💨<\/p>
Once upon a time, memecoins were the shining knights of crypto-riding big waves, laughing all the way to the virtual bank, endorsed by presidents and pop icons alike. But 2025 brought a big, belly-flopping crash. The parabolic rollercoaster screeched to a halt-pretty much where your patience might do, too. 🚀➡️🚧<\/p>
Some projects, even with high-profile endorsements by Donald Trump and Javier Milei (no relation to Javier Bardem, sadly), were just too good to be true. Suddenly, those rocket-like gains turned into a slow descent, leaving investors with pockets emptier than a quiz show on a Sunday afternoon. The market cap plummeted to a dismal $39.4 billion, shedding billions faster than you can say “Rug pull!” 🌪️💥<\/p>
Will memecoins rise again like a phoenix with a tiny tweet? Or are they destined to be a punchline in crypto’s endless circus? Only time will tell. Until then, keep your guards up, your snacks handy, and your funny bone well-oiled. Because this story? It’s just getting started. 🤡🔥<\/p>
