And should the day close in red, we shall witness an ignoble feat: tying the infamous 2018-2019 losing streak, the longest in Bitcoin’s storied history. A milestone, of sorts, if you’re into that kind of thing.
In a letter sent to the Commodity Futures Trading Commission and the Office of Government Ethics, these politicians contend that there have already been “multiple incidents” that, in their view, suggest federal employees are filing bets on unsanitised information.
According to a recent financial filing, the company sold its cryptocurrency holdings for an average of about $70,422 per coin.
In a move that can only be described as both audacious and utterly Gogol-esque, U.S. Senators Cynthia Lummis and Bill Cassidy have birthed a bill so grandiose, it promises to “reinforce the cryptocurrency mining sector” and “ensure the financial supply chain is stable.” Oh, the stability of a supply chain built on the whims of digital miners! Truly, a marvel of modern folly.
More than a quarter of the Altcoin Empire has knelt in the dust of March 2026, exceeding the previous bear market snores of roughly 38%. The downslide is as deep as the trench that hides the lost jewels of a forgotten sovereign.
The CFTC, in its Monday pronouncement, declared the matter closed, though one wonders if the curtain has truly fallen. The $500,000 penalty, it seems, is but a footnote to the $300 million déjà vu from the Department of Justice-a fine so grand it could fund a small revolution, or at least a very lavish dacha.
As revealed in a communiqué of no small importance, Bitmine has continued its zealous accumulation of Ethereum, adding 71,179 ETH to its coffers, a sum valued at nearly $146 million in the current market. This endeavor surpasses even the company’s own recent averages, a testament to its unwavering resolve. “Bitmine has sustained this heightened pace of ETH acquisitions over the past four weeks,” declared Thomas “Tom” Lee, the chairman of Bitmine, with an air of gravitas, “for we are of the firm conviction that ETH is emerging from the shadows of its ‘mini-crypto winter.’”
This marks the lowest it’s been since November, suggesting that investor sentiment is in such a sharp decline that one might think it was auditioning for a tragic play.
This so-called “framework”-a term that conjures images of a precariously balanced house of cards-purports to guide plan fiduciaries through the labyrinthine process of evaluating non-traditional assets. One wonders if these fiduciaries will require a compass, a map, and perhaps a flask of brandy to navigate this fiscal maze.
The post, which has since garnered over 1.67 million views on X (formerly known as the platform where one’s dignity goes to die), features an AI-conjured vision of a woman lounging at a tropical resort, claiming she retired early on the monthly dividends from STRC, Strategy Inc.’s Series A Perpetual “Stretch” Preferred Stock. A tale as believable as a sober evening at the Savoy.
