Why the Crypto World Is About to Get a LOT More Interesting (or Confusing) This Week!
Brace yourselves for potential chaos, or, depending on your perspective, some sweet price fluctuations. Here’s your official guide to navigating this storm of unlocked tokens. Spoiler: It’s not for the faint-hearted.
Million-Dollar XRP Theft: A Soul’s Digital Damnation! 😈

On this fateful October 19, ZachXBT proclaimed his revelations, declaring with the gravity of a confessor: “A US-based victim lost $3.05M (1.2M XRP) from their Ellipal wallet.” And with a flourish, he traced the stolen essence, offering takeaways as bitter as the bread of the poor: “Here’s the tracing of where the stolen funds ended up and the biggest lessons for such wretched thefts.”
🤑 Crypto Late Bloomer? Coinbase CEO Says “Hop On, You Silly Goose!” 🦆
Apparently, you don’t need to sell your granny’s heirloom teapot to buy a whole Bitcoin or Ethereum. Oh no, says Armstrong, you can start with a few measly dollars. “It’s like buying a single jellybean from a jar of magical beans,” he might as well have said. 🍬💰
Japan’s Banks May Soon Hold Bitcoin – And Other Wild Financial Moves
And as if that wasn’t enough, Japan’s top three banking groups are teaming up to issue their own stablecoin, pegged to the yen. This dual push-by regulators and the old-school financial giants-aims to make digital assets the next big thing in Japan’s economy. Get ready for your grandma to ask about Bitcoin, people. 🙄
Bitcoin’s Doing the Hokey Pokey Above the Gaussian Thingamajig 🕺💰!

Yes, folks, according to the soothsayer known as Titan of Crypto (no, not the one from Greek mythology – though I hear that Titan also lost money on Dogecoin), Bitcoin is still floating above the fabled Gaussian Channel! Cue triumphant trumpet sounds! 🎺🎺
Rare Earths vs. Dollars: China’s Play to End USD Supremacy 😤
China’s export controls? A slap in the face to the US military-industrial circus, Gromen sneers. “You’ve backed the dollar with tanks and tomfoolery,” he tells Marty Bent of Truth For the Commoner. “But now? China’s got the cards-and the punchline.” 🃏
XRP Wallets Hit 317K: Crypto’s New Era 🚀

Despite XRP’s recent woes, akin to a peasant’s harvest in a drought, the holder base grows like a mushroom in a swamp. Santiment’s data, which is as clear as a foggy Moscow morning, shows that 317,500 wallets now clutch 10,000 XRP tokens. A triumph! A victory! A testament to the resilience of the crypto faithful. 🎉
Avalanche’s $35M Token Unlock: Will It Crash or Climb? 🚀

Avalanche (AVAX) has hit the $20 mark, a psychological threshold that’s probably less thrilling than it sounds. It’s now hovering at its lowest point since October 11, which is like the crypto world’s version of “I’m not lazy, I’m just on vacation.” 🌴
🚨 DOJ’s $14B Bitcoin Heist: Pig-Butchering Scammer’s Fortune Seized!
This digital treasure trove is allegedly tied to LuBian and Cambodia’s own “Prince” of fraud, Chen Zhi, chairman of Prince Group-a title now as ironic as a used car salesman weeping at your doorstep. 🏰🎭