After Monday’s little drama, the global markets have settled, but only on the surface, my dears. Bitcoin is lounging in the mid-$90K range, having bounced back a saucy 7% from its $86K sulk. Equities and FX, meanwhile, are dithering like debutantes at a ball, all eyes on next week’s FOMC shindig. Despite the apparent serenity, everyone’s girding their loins for a policy earthquake. 🌍💃
The SEC, in its infinite wisdom (or perhaps a caffeine-induced epiphany), has paused the approval of 3x and 5x leveraged ETFs, citing “extreme risk exposure” and “federal limits on leverage.” A bold stance, indeed, if one overlooks the irony of regulators now policing products designed to amplify volatility in a market that thrives on it. The regulator’s letters to Direxion, ProShares, and GraniteShares read less like a warning and more like a bureaucratic sigh of relief: “Finally, someone’s admitting we’ve gone too far.” 🤡
From a solid $9.3 billion market cap on November 1 to a sad $7.1 billion on November 30-USDe has officially hit its lowest point. That’s not just a dip; that’s a plunge, folks. This token had one of its sharpest contractions EVER. The crypto world’s version of “oops, I did it again.” 💔
DOT punched through the $2.25 resistance level like it was a piñata at a kid’s party. 🎉 CoinDesk’s technical analysis model says it’s a big deal-and who are we to argue?
The XRP ETFs, these modern-day leviathans, hoard capital with the inevitability of frost. Twelve days of ceaseless inflows-$844.9 million, a symphony of digits-echo through the corridors of SoSo’s ledgers. One might mistake it for progress, or perhaps a particularly ambitious Ponzi scheme blessed by the SEC 🤡.
As of December 2, 2025, PENGU is trading at a not-so-glamorous $0.00976, down 9% from the past 24 hours. The market cap? A hefty $613 million, but let’s be honest, it’s probably feeling a little light on its feet after that tumble. But don’t count this pudgy critter out just yet-analysts say there might be a short-term rally if the buyers can band together like penguins in a snowstorm and hold onto that critical support. Let’s see if that happens.
Binance, that hydra of the crypto world, has anointed Yi He as co-CEO, a move that raises eyebrows and questions in equal measure. Can CZ truly resist the siren call of his own creation, or is this merely a game of musical chairs with the same old tune? 🎶🤡
“Good heavens, Bitcoin at £100,000!” he exclaimed, as if the very notion were a scandalous whisper at a ball. “Sensible persons are now seen on the television, discussing it with such nonchalance: ‘It is at £100,000, now fallen to £98,000.’ But pray, what is it truly worth? Nothing, I say! The world has embraced this folly, a tulip bulb reborn, yet worse, for it has become a conduit for all manner of nefarious deeds.” 🌷🔍
Dogecoin, that old hound with a heart of gold, trudges through the market’s mud, its paws muddy but determined. Its price action is a slow, deliberate waddle-no wild leaps, just steady accumulation. The coin eyes a resistance zone like a squirrel eyeing a snack: cautiously, hungrily. A break above $0.155 might send it barking at the moon with a 30% rally, but failure? It’ll likely nap in the sun, content with its current patch of warmth.
Taurus, that paragon of prudence, has expanded its custody platform through a most agreeable alliance with Everstake, granting regulated clients access to the most esteemed proof-of-stake networks. This new venture, a marvel of modern finance, allows banks to stake their assets without the inconvenience of transferring them out of their custody. One might say it is a most convenient arrangement, though one wonders if the banks shall ever regain their composure after such an upheaval of tradition. 🎩💸