Currency Forecast

White House AI and Crypto Czar David Sacks (yes, that’s a real title) took to the social media platform X last week to announce that Senate leaders have finally confirmed a January 2026 markup for the Digital Asset Market Clarity (CLARITY) Act. His statement came after a call with Senate Banking Committee Chairman Tim Scott and Senate Agriculture Committee Chairman John Boozman, who apparently found time in their busy schedules to discuss crypto instead of, you know, actual agriculture. 🌽

Following December 2025’s Fusaka upgrade, Glamsterdam is poised to be Ethereum’s pièce de résistance, a harmonious blend of “Amsterdam” (for the execution-layer glamour) and “Gloas” (trust us, it’s about consensus layering-fancy, isn’t it?). Think of it as a well-choreographed ballet rather than a simple patch-because who needs simplicity when you can have sophistication? 💃🏼

Starting tonight (because why not at 8 PM JST?), you can lend out your assets including XRP, Bitcoin, and even that cheeky little meme called Dogecoin, which… well, has a mind of its own. The idea? Turn those dangling crypto holdings into something that might actually make you smile rather than yawn. Unlike your savings account, where even a snail could outperform the interest rate.

Conflicting reports have the crypto world tumbling into the gossip mill like tea-sipping debutantes at a scandalous ball. 🌀

But lo and behold! The annals of history whisper tales of January’s fickle nature. On the grand monthly map, January modestly boasts an average gain of +9.76%, with a median of +9.54%. February, my dear reader, is slightly more generous at +14.3%. However, March prefers to dash hopes with a median plunge of -2.19%. Yes, early-year strength exists-like a mischievous spirit-but it’s as unpredictable as a cat on a hot tin roof.

District Attorney Eric Gonzalez, a man evidently burdened with the weight of modern crime, declared, with the solemnity befitting such an announcement, that his Virtual Currency Unit had formally accused Mr. Spektor of a most elaborate fraud. He did masquerade, it seems, as a representative of Coinbase, that vast and impersonal exchange of digital currencies, informing unsuspecting users that their fortunes were about to be… spirited away by nefarious forces. And, naturally, he offered the only sensible solution: transferring said fortunes to a wallet of his choosing. One almost admires the audacity, if not for the sorrowful outcome. He was known, amongst a certain digital circle, as “Ronaldd”- a moniker that now rings with a distinctly unsavory tone.

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There it sat, the Cardano (ADA) token, at a humble $0.3680, just a whisker above its yearly low of $0.3476. Poor thing, it’s 70% down from its glory days, with its market cap shrinking faster than a snowman in July-from $25 billion to a mere $13 billion. 😢 But hold your horses, or should I say, your unicorns! 🦄

XRP, it appears, is incapable of scaling the heights of $2, even with this extraordinary ETF performance. CryptoQuant, a purveyor of on-chain pronouncements, whispers of monstrous whales dominating the exchange inflows! An unsettling disconnect, wouldn’t you agree? A most alarming misalignment of institutional desire and the stubborn whims of the market. 🧐

Tether, with its usual flair for the dramatic, has expanded its product roadmap, unveiling plans for an AI-powered mobile crypto wallet. The announcement, made by the esteemed Mr. Paolo Ardoino, eschewed the usual marketing hyperbole in favor of a more sober discussion of engineering and infrastructure. One might surmise that this is a more profound step into the realm of utility-driven crypto tools, though one cannot help but question the motives behind such a venture. 🤔