Currency Forecast

Paul Grewal, Coinbase’s legal head honcho (so much legal gravitas, the courtroom bows in his presence), announced on May 6th that the company’s blockchain eggheads were called in to assist with a New York City whodunit that would have taxed even the likes of Jeeves. The NYPD, not wanting to look like chumps, teamed up with Coinbase to unpick a nasty spree of robberies, overdoses, and night-time ne’er-do-wellery plaguing the swinging precincts of good old Manhattan.

Three winters ago, after the Diem—née Libra—venture was cast out like some modern-day devil from the garden of regulatory Eden, Zuckerberg retreated, licking his wounds and eyeing the ledger. Now, they say, the time has come to pilot Meta’s battered hulk back onto the blockchain seas, bracing for a second round with fate herself. This time, stablecoins are the weapon—tokens promising they won’t vanish in the night, like hope after a bad NFT drop.

On Wednesday, the House Committee for Delivery of Government Efficiency—yes, it’s actually called “DOGE” (one suspects a prankster)—tipped their cowboy hats to Senate Bill 21, shoving it further down the legislative rodeo. The bill, ridden by the intrepid Senator Charles Schwertner, wants Texas’s comptroller to try their hand in the wild and occasionally woolly world of cryptocurrencies—provided the digital critter has bulked up its market capitalization to at least $500 billion in the last year. No Dogecoin for the state, alas; Shiba Inu fans, say your piece and weep.

Sur les planches de Binance, notre cher DOGE/USDT interprète une bougie hebdomadaire digne des plus grands théâtres: ouverture à $0.1705, envolée lyrique à $0.1833, soupir tragique à $0.1643, et pour l’instant une standing ovation à $0.1828 (+7.2% pour la semaine). Deux spectres l’encadrent: la sinistre EMA-50 bleue, perchée à $0.203, et l’antique EMA-200 rouge, fidèle à $0.138, sentinelle jamais abandonnée, même lorsque Dogecoin a voulu s’enfuir du bal en début d’année.

Enter the GENIUS Act—short for “Guiding and Establishing National Innovation for U.S. Stablecoins,” which, let’s be real, is almost as catchy as a trip to the DMV. It’s supposed to be a game-changer, yet it has turned the Senate into a pit of fire and fury. The vote is *almost* happening, but not without a little drama—because why wouldn’t there be?

So, what’s the big deal? Well, according to a very official-sounding announcement by the SEC on Thursday, Ripple Labs, CEO Brad Garlinghouse, and Executive Chairman Christian A. Larsen are all breathing a little easier these days. They’ve come to a “framework” agreement, which might just be the silver lining Ripple has been waiting for after years of legal battles. Who needs clarity anyway, right? 🤷‍♂️

“Altcoins are lagging behind the stablecoin marketcap! This gap is about to get filled—like Aunt Polina’s dumplings! Don’t get fooled here,” quoth Rover, determined not to let us snooze on our rubles.

Much like the long-anticipated arrival of the Bingley party in Meryton, HB 2749 received enthusiastic, bipartisan flutter. Its chief suitor, Rep. Jeff Weninger—the Mr. Darcy of the House Commerce Committee—declared with no small satisfaction that digital assets “are the present.” One might say, the man possesses as much sense as sensibility. Oh, forgive me, dear reader, wrong novel!

But lo, the plot thickens! The sumptuous sum comprises $200 million in equity—oui, shares for the well-heeled who wish to marry fortune—and a mere trifle of $100 million in convertible notes, for those who fancy a little transformation in life (or at least in their returns).

Fresh whispers, arch and excitable, surface courtesy of the oracles at Santiment: the twittering masses, lured by shiny new AI agents and that oh-so-mystical “altseason,” have tossed geopolitical anxiety aside like yesterday’s blockchain, and are rapt, eyes wide as Satoshi, on the next “revolution.”