To grasp the magnitude of this policy farce, one need only gaze upon a (clearly fabricated) screenshot, a digital artifact of absurdity circulating on X, where the laws of logic are as malleable as a child’s clay. 🧠
The decree was etched into the digital tablets of their official X account on the eve of a new year, December 30, 2025. A date that will live in infamy-or obscurity, depending on whom you ask. 📅
The funding crash revealed more cracks in GameFi than my old Windows machine. After pulling in a hefty $147 million in Q1, GameFi cash flow was more sluggish than my Sunday afternoon. It briefly sprang back to $129 million in Q3, but by year-end, funding dried up like my patience. Studios ran out of runway faster than I run out of hot water. 🛬💸
A 5.7% plunge, a veritable hemorrhage of value in the calendar year of 2025. While the U.S. equities market danced to new heights, Bitcoin languished, its charm waning like a forgotten lullaby. 🎄
“Oh, what a lovely thought! 😏” Professor Havard would croon into his headset, dressed in all-black clothing (always! Who knows, perhaps he’s just obsessed with shadows?) and claiming, “Madam, your account is compromised unless I help you transfer funds to my secure vault™.” Meanwhile, the victims-utterly trustworthy creatures who probably still send birthday cards to their elementary school teachers-trusted him implicitly until their coins were gone, like cotton candy in a hurricane.
The futures markets, they swell up! Like a bad plate of gefilte fish! Open interest up 7 percent in Bitcoin and Ethereum, totaling a leverage increase to a whopping $35 to $38 billion. All while everyone’s kvetching about the doom and gloom. You call this smart investing? I call it a recipe for heartburn.
As of late, Optimism can be acquired for a mere $0.2678, a decline of 4% in a single day! Over the past week, it did flutter ‘tween $0.252 and $0.282, a most indecisive dance! By my reckoning, it is 1.3% lesser than it was a week prior and down a full 18% from last month. A sorrowful plight, indeed!
On Monday, Strategy announced-with the enthusiasm of someone who just discovered online shopping-that it had bought 1,129 Bitcoin at an average price of only $88,568 each. Bargain! That’s a mere $108.8 million spent, because, you know, pocket change.
This represents a 35% hike from January 1st, 2025. A year of expansion, they say. I say a year of increasingly powerful computers working very hard. It’s all a bit much, isn’t it? 🤯
But hold up-before you sell your grandma’s pearls to buy a tinfoil hat, let’s talk about the real drama. Axel Adler, crypto’s favorite gloom analyst (you know, the one who’s always side-eyeing the chart), dropped a spicy graph this week. Turns out November wasn’t just a bad hair day-it was a full-blown “I-quit-my-job-to-trade-Bitcoin-and-now-I-own-12-cats” level of capitulation. December? More “meh, I’ll just binge-watch The Bear and pretend this isn’t happening.”