Bitcoin (BTC) is currently strutting its stuff like it’s on a runway, with short-duration charts flashing a pattern that’s the opposite of its January-February peak. Remember that? When it hit $109K and then promptly nosedived? Yeah, good times.
Weight: 130 lbs (v.g.)
Tariffs understood: 0 (poor)
Minutes spent pretending to understand economics: 45 (v. bad)
No. of times googled “What is Chamath”: 3 (better than yesterday)
XRP and ether (ETH), the crypto world’s dynamic duo, led the charge with a 12% surge, while Cardano’s ADA, BNB Chain’s BNB, Solana’s SOL, and dogecoin (DOGE) pranced about with a 10% increase. The overall market capitalization, ever the opportunist, rose 6%. The CoinDesk 20 (CD20), that barometer of crypto health, showed a 7% increase.
As for the price, it’s trading at a humble $0.00001095, which is a 2.23% drop, making it look like it lost a fight at the county fair.
And guess what? The markets are suddenly feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. It’s like they just found out their favorite show got renewed for another season. Investors are practically doing cartwheels! Who knew a little tariff break could turn the market into a happy place? It’s like a relief rally, but with more confetti and less sense. 🎈
Hold your horses, folks—Trump did it again! The man took a complete 180 on his trade policies, and in the blink of an eye, Bitcoin’s price catapulted from a low of $74,700 to near $83,600. It was like watching a rollercoaster ride, and boy, did the crypto market love it! The sharp rebound? Yeah, that’s just Bitcoin’s way of giving a nod to the big boys like Larry Fink. He predicted this chaos would create the perfect time to buy in. And guess what? Looks like the market’s taking notes.
Ah, Apple. The company that makes you feel like you need a second mortgage just to buy a phone. They’re in deep trouble because, guess what? About 90% of their stuff is made in China. So, with these tariffs, we might be looking at an iPhone 16 Pro Max that costs more than your car. Seriously, $675 more? What are they putting in these phones, gold? Meanwhile, they’re thinking about moving production to India and Vietnam. Good luck with that! It’s like trying to change your entire life plan overnight. Good luck, Apple! 🍏
The proposal, unveiled on the gloriously mundane date of April 8, suggests a tax rate of 18% plus a cheeky little 5% military surcharge for those who dare to cash out their digital gold into the realm of fiat. The auspicious announcement came courtesy of the esteemed National Securities and Stock Market Commission of Ukraine—the very same brigade that leaves you guessing if they’re running a government body or an avant-garde theatrical production.
Ripple, once just the kid trying to make it big, just dropped a cool $1.25 billion to acquire Hidden Road, and suddenly XRP has a chance to become the financial tool it always dreamed of. According to Ripple’s Chief Technology Officer, David Schwartz, this is a “game-changer.”
Our gallant crypto cannot lay claim to resilience in such tempestuous times—nay, it may already be sinking into the depths of a bear market.
