Currency Forecast

This torrent of cash marks the largest weekly deluge since October 2025, a time when the world was still sane, or so we thought.

Canaan, that digital farmer plowing crypto’s wild west, found its stock necklace yanked by Nasdaq’s iron rules-because nothing says “upward trajectory” like sliding under the $1.00 bid. The notice arrived like a collections agent, stern and unforgiving, blaming 30 straight days of nosedives. Yet! The company’s response was polished, like a rancher fixing his hat in a dust storm. “We’re in compliance with Rule 5810(b),” they declared, as if saying it right would fix the holes in their wagon.

This delightful divergence between the great beasts of the ocean and the teetering minnows occurs amidst a tempest of volatility, with Bitcoin wiping away nearly all its glorious gains from 2026 as if it were cleaning up after a messy dinner party.

The playbook here is as clear as mud: turn Asia’s two biggest U.S. allies into chess pieces, one to soak up the blame like a sponge, the other to cough up investment like a slot machine on a lucky streak.

Splendiferous Tuesday, and BitMine, the lover of Bit and Ether alike, has whispered into the cool, digital air its latest acquisition: a staggering 35,268 ETH. Imagine, at $110 million, such a gesture-fit for heroes of yore. And lo, the treasury now boasts 4,203,036 ETH jewelstones, glittering at $3,211 each, swirling 4.2 million breaths of digital air into the Cassandra vision of the internet’s whispered secrets and shouts-190,000 Bitcoins to boot, a poetically $22 million stake in the Moonshots of Eightco, and a horde of unencumbered gold, erm, cash, weighing in at $979 million.

The price, with the tenacity of a man clinging to his last shilling, is finding buyers near short-term moving averages, all while dodging the downward slope like a gentleman avoiding a wet umbrella. Technically, the $90,000 region boasts three layers of support: a recent higher low (as if the market had just finished polishing its boots), overlapping moving averages (now behaving with the stoicism of a well-bred spaniel), and volume patterns suggesting buyers are sipping Earl Grey while sellers panic. Yet let us not mistake this for a victory parade-Bitcoin is still below long-term indicators, and resistance looms like an uninvited guest at a garden party.

“Ah, but here’s the kicker,” one might imagine a monocled analyst drawling, “record staking levels coupled with this shift in leadership suggest the Ethereum ecosystem is building momentum like a well-heeled gent in a horse race-poised to leave the competition gasping in the dust.”

Unlike the mere liquidity injections that leave one yawning, this listing is a coup-a privacy-obsessed project parading before retail investors who prefer their platforms as traditional as a Sunday sermon. For a network that marries privacy with compliance, this is not just a step but a leap into the absurd.

The shareholders, gathered in a desert oasis where the only thing hotter than the sun was their vote, approved four proposals. The most contentious-increasing the share count-garnered 81% support, a number that, in shareholder terms, means “we trust you, even though the stock just fell 8%.” The company’s press release, delivered with the gravitas of a Pushkin sonnet, assured investors they’ll never sell shares below their net asset value. A promise as comforting as a warm samovar in January.

The announcement came at the World Economic Forum in Davos, where Bermuda’s officials strutted around like they’d just discovered fire. “Digital assets as everyday financial infrastructure!” they declared, as if the islanders were crying out for USDC instead of more sunscreen. Circle and Coinbase, ever the eager beavers, promised to sprinkle their crypto magic across the island, from local banks to Bob’s Fish Shack.