Sure, Bitcoin’s been wobbling like a toddler trying to walk, and traditional markets aren’t much better. But what if the whole trade war mess is secretly cheering for Bitcoin? Intrigued? You should be!
Speaking of quaint little taxes, a monumental 104% tariff just descended upon certain Chinese goods with all the subtlety of a hippo on a trampoline. To make things extra thrilling, there’s an additional 50% levy in a grand game of tit-for-tat that the US and China have unleashed. It’s like attending two warring family reunions simultaneously, minus the free punch. 🥤
Imagine an event as eagerly awaited as the arrival of the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything – now multiply that by a hyperactive throng of crypto enthusiasts in 2025. Eligible space travelers had their profiles snapped on March 31, 2025, at the uncanny 23:59 UTC, while the exact moment of cosmic distribution remains wrapped in the kind of mystery typically reserved for improbable hitchhikers in a towel.
Let’s break it down, shall we? On Friday, ARK snapped up 83,157 shares. Monday? 84,514. Tuesday? A modest 31,730. It’s like they’re playing a high-stakes game of Monopoly, except instead of Park Place, they’re buying a crypto exchange that’s been on a bit of a rollercoaster lately. 🎢
In a delightful tête-à-tête with CNBC, our dear Gundlach predicts the S&P 500 will take a nosedive of about 14%. How charming! It’s as if he’s suggesting we all hold our breath and brace for impact. 🥴
Adding to the drama, Solana’s DEX volumes took a nosedive, plummeting by 50% in March to $97 billion from $193 billion in February. It’s as if the decentralized exchanges decided to take a long, contemplative walk in the snow. ❄️
According to Arkham Intelligence, the wallet moved over 5,471 ETH for approximately $8 million. That’s right, they sold it at an average price of $1,465, which is basically like selling a Lamborghini for the price of a used scooter. 🛵💔
This isn’t just any malware campaign—it’s a masterclass in deception. The attackers have set up a fake project on SourceForge called “officepackage,” which, let’s be honest, sounds about as exciting as a PowerPoint presentation on tax law. But don’t be fooled! This project is a wolf in sheep’s clothing, designed to look like Microsoft Office add-ins copied from GitHub. The real kicker? Its auto-generated subdomain, “officepackage.sourceforge.io,” which search engines like Russia’s Yandex happily picked up. Users who visited the page were greeted with a fake list of office apps and download buttons that, surprise, started the malware infection. 🎁
With an impressive following of 149,200 souls on the peculiar platform known as X (once Twitter, but alas, identities shift more often than the market itself), our esteemed analyst prognosticates with all the certainty of a borrowed umbrella during a British summer. According to his projections, one ought to prepare their champagne flutes for a potential spectacular rise akin to the bazaar-like conditions of Q4 2023 to Q1 2024, marking an exceptional rally of nearly 180%. Simply marvelous!
In a jaw-dropping video posted by Suchir’s mom, Poornima Rao, we see SFPD officers waltzing into the apartment like they’re at a dance party—sans gloves! 🕺💃 I mean, come on! Are they trying to collect evidence or just giving the furniture a good ol’ pat-down? The family is crying foul, claiming the cops might have turned the crime scene into a contamination zone! 🧪