Meanwhile, in a twist of fate that would make Kafka blush, the developing world is supposed to rejoice as stablecoins “lift them from poverty” 🎩✨. Institutional investors, DeFi enthusiasts, and your average Joe are all allegedly queuing up to join this brave new financial circus. But what could possibly go wrong?
Make no mistake; this isn’t idle salon chatter between courses of roast quail. For years, Dimon wagged a disapproving finger, dismissing crypto as a child might the mathematics master. But now? He endorses dollar-pegged tokens. Not due to a sudden, inconvenient romance with algorithms, but because his clients—all 21st-century Gatsby aspirants—are simply too demanding to ignore. The man, ever practical, has thrown his signature into the ledger. Perhaps the allure of stablecoins is stronger than that of traditional banking hats.
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Injective (INJ) tried to break out of its ascending triangle pattern, reaching a peak of $16.35 on July 28, but alas, it lost its momentum and took a nosedive to $12.80, slipping beneath the 20-day EMA. Poor thing, it must have had a bad day! 🤕
Since mid-July, Bitcoin’s been dragging itself sideways like a drunk trying to find his way home. Friday’s new low at $114,400 smacked the bottom of its bull flag harder than a Friday night bar brawl. Now it’s wobbling back toward that point, and investors? Well, they’re sweating like pigs at a bacon convention. 🥓
On the first day of August, Valereum announced its grand plan to raise £500,000 by issuing approximately 16.12 million ordinary shares. The proceeds, they assure us, will be used to establish a Bitcoin (BTC) Treasury, as well as to fuel the company’s expansion, platform rollout, and market entry. Because, you know, who doesn’t want to dive headfirst into the world of cryptocurrency?
And now, Visa, with the subtlety of a bull in a china shop, wants a slice of that tasty crypto pie. They’ve announced a big expansion to support stablecoins and blockchains, because why not? Will this be a game-changer? Who knows! But it sure makes for some interesting cocktail party chatter.
And wait for it—Grayscale’s filing boldly announces a 2.5% annual fee, payable in none other than SOL—yes, the fees are getting personalized now. It’s like paying your barista in bitcoin but with a sprinkle of irony. Meanwhile, CoinShares, not to be outdone, has registered its Solana Staking ETF in Delaware, because why not add a little state charm to your crypto adventure? This June 10, 2025, date is practically a national holiday for the blockchain enthusiasts.
Now, here’s a curious thing: the unrealized profit, which keeps track of the theoretical gains for those stubborn holders who haven’t sold yet, is still lagging behind its 2024 peak. Even though ETH is flirting with its old highs, Glassnode swears this gap means there’s more room to rise, provided the market doesn’t throw a tantrum and decide to rain on the parade.
Their secret? A hoard of 628,791 BTC, purchased for $46 billion, now worth $72.7 billion. Ah, the whimsy of numbers! 📈💸 Phong Le, their president, declares it a triumph of strategy, while Andrew Kang, the CFO, proclaims it a miracle of the markets. And Michael Saylor, that crypto bard, chants for a taxonomy of digital assets—as if the world needed more labels for its madness! 📜🤡
