The erstwhile President, with a flourish of his executive quill, has proclaimed that the hallowed 401(k) shall no longer be shackled to the mundane likes of stocks and bonds. Nay, it shall embrace the dizzying heights and plummeting depths of cryptocurrency! A “historic turning point,” they say-though whether it turns toward prosperity or perdition remains delightfully uncertain. 🌪️✨
According to their announcement (which probably came with a trumpet fanfare), Satsuma now holds 1,097 BTC, worth about £96.9 million at the time of settlement. Ah, the magic of numbers-let them sink in for a moment. Or don’t, because we’re just getting started.
In a move that could only be described as a nod to the future, Galaxy Digital Ltd. has disclosed a $34.4 million XRP position in its Q2 2025 Form 10-Q filing with the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC). As of June 30, 2025, the firm held 15.39 million XRP coins, placing the token among its top seven crypto holdings by value. It’s as if the market itself is whispering, “XRP, your time has come.” 🌟
According to the wise sage Dean Chen, these chaps with too much money to count are leveraging the market the way a seasoned cricket player uses a bat-swinging hard when you least expect it. The idea is that their strategic purchases, made when everyone’s looking the other way, are causing prices to waltz up and down – a bit like a drunken uncle at a wedding. And if the $115,000 hillock holds, why, they might just tip the scales all the way to the $127K summit. All this while we’re waiting for ETF inflows and hopes of macro-monetary easing, which, frankly, sounds like the sort of thing a wizard might chant at midnight. 💰
The Ethereum treasury trend continues to make traditional stock traders look like they’re trying to catch a falling knife-only less effectively.
Should this spectacle occur, it wouldn’t just be a payday for hodlers; it’d ignite the entire Solana ecosystem into a frenzy of activity, eating popcorn and watching as the digital gold rush intensifies. And seated prominently in the spotlight is Snorter Token (SNORT), about to launch its telegram-based trading bot-because obviously, if you’re going to make money, why not do it with style, speed, and a dash of chaos? 🧙♂️
Once languishing at a humble $0.059 on August 7, the BIO token has now ascended to dizzying heights, coinciding with Bitcoin’s flirtation with $116k and Ethereum’s triumphant breach of the $3,800 mark. In the grand race of DeSci tokens, Bio Protocol has outpaced its competitors like a tortoise with a jetpack, leaving OriginTrail, AlchemistAI, and ResearchCoin in its dust. 🐢💨
This Minneapolis-based company signed a deal with four deep-pocketed investors (probably the ones who still think crypto is a folder in their browser history). They’re selling shares at $19.50 each, because nothing says “confidence” like charging $19.50 for a gamble.
With $31 million already in the bank (probably stored in a vault guarded by cryptographic dragons), Parataxis is gearing up to debut on the New York Stock Exchange under the ticker PRTX. This isn’t just another boring SPAC deal-oh no, this is a $400 million cosmic dance with SilverBox Corp IV, complete with a potential $640 million war chest if all goes according to plan. And yes, they’re buying Bitcoin before the ink dries. Because why wait for the apocalypse when you can prepare for it now? 🌋
