OpenAI rolled into town with a wagon train of cash-$122 billion of it-and set a new record for the most absurd private tech raise in history, all while still waiting for the first pig to fly (a.k.a. turn a profit).
The usual suspects-Amazon, Nvidia, SoftBank, and Microsoft-threw their hats into the ring, though Microsoft’s contribution was likely paid in IOUs and hopeful winks. A fresh $3 billion also trickled in from individual investors, who presumably sold their souls to banks for the privilege.
The Numbers Behind the Hype
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Regulators are circling like vultures, and token unlocks are draining value faster than a bathtub with a hair clog. Whether Wall Street will swallow an OpenAI IPO at these valuations remains a mystery-like asking if a donkey will dance, but with more spreadsheets.
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2026-04-01 12:14