NSA Baked Bitcoin? Cryptocurrency Conspiracies and the Great Dollar Cake Incident đŸ€”

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It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single paper on electronic cash must be in want of a grand conspiracy. Thus began the latest chapter in the eternal struggle between crypto enthusiasts and the shadowy forces of “plausible deniability.” Cornell’s Dave Collum, appearing on Tucker Carlson’s show, claimed Bitcoin was a CIA-backed experiment in public acclimatization to digital tyranny. “I’d release the crypto,” he declared, “let the peasants debug it, then say, ‘Oops, we’re in charge now.’” A plan so Machiavellian it makes the Discworld’s Patrician look like a boy scout.

Meanwhile, Swan Bitcoin’s No Second Best (a show so named it could be a Discworld tavern) tackled the claim with the seriousness of a man watching a cat chase a laser. Host Hurley dismissed the NSA-origin myth as a “persistent ghost,” redirecting attention to the real Trojan horse: stablecoins and U.S. debt. “While Tucker chases shadows,” he said, “the real action is in the vaults and the ledgers.” A sentiment that would make Rincewind proud.

The paper in question, “How to Make a Mint,” is a curious artifact from 1996-97, penned by three NSA cryptographers. It predates Bitcoin by a decade and is as useful as a wizard’s spellbook without the spells. But existence is not authorship, and no evidence links it to Satoshi Nakamoto’s 2008 masterpiece. Collum, however, insists that elite families would never allow a “free” monetary protocol to survive. “Do you think the Rockefellers hand over power to Max Keiser?” he asked. A question that answers itself like a self-tying shoelace.

Hurley, ever the pragmatist, countered with logic sharper than a dragon’s tooth. “Bitcoin doesn’t need permission from anyone,” he said. “The code is open-source, auditable, and forkable. No hidden ‘off switch’-just a global network of people arguing about block sizes.” A truth so obvious it could only be stated by someone who’s never met a troll.

Is Bitcoin a Trojan Horse? Or a Very Persistent Rabbit?

Hurley then pivoted to the real drama: stablecoins and U.S. debt. “The real theft of liberty,” he said, “is happening through inflation. Your savings diluted yearly-it’s like being paid in IOUs from the Agatean Empire.” A metaphor so vivid it could make a Luggage weep.

President Trump’s GENIUS Act (a name that makes one wonder if the writers were paid in Monopoly money) requires stablecoins to back reserves with cash and Treasuries. Tether, the largest stablecoin, now holds billions in Treasury bills-and yes, some Bitcoin. A financial strategy that’s either genius or a recipe for disaster, depending on who’s holding the ladle.

Preston Pysh, speaking at the Baltic Honeybadger conference (a name that screams “Icelandic rock band”), argued stablecoins are natural buyers of short-term Treasuries. “They sweep income into Bitcoin,” he said, “reinforcing its monetization.” A process as smooth as a Discworld train, if such a thing existed.

Hurley concluded, “Bitcoin is the Trojan horse-but for freedom.” A line so poetic it could only be delivered by someone who’s never actually seen a horse.

At press time, BTC traded at $113,045-a price so round it could roll downhill and join a disco band.

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2025-08-22 15:50