JPMorgan Says Bitcoin is a ‘Safe Haven’… for Losing Money

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So, in a world full of crises, JPMorgan has decided to break the news: Bitcoin is not the shiny, magical “safe-haven” asset we were all hoping it would be. In their latest report, the banking giant let us all know that Bitcoin’s role in times of trouble has been… well, a bit of a joke. The latest tariff-induced chaos? Yeah, Bitcoin’s performance in that? Let’s just say it didn’t exactly scream “stability.”

Instead, it turns out that gold, the ancient shiny rock that’s been around forever, is back in style. In fact, gold’s exchange-traded funds (ETFs) are seeing steady, almost excessive, inflows—like a high school prom king soaking up all the attention. Meanwhile, Bitcoin ETFs are seeing outflows like a water slide with no brakes. Talk about a popularity crisis.

Gold is doing exactly what we expect from a so-called “safe haven” asset. It’s hanging out with its buddy, the Japanese yen, looking cool and calm while everyone else panics. They’re basically the ‘calm down, everything will be fine’ of the financial world. They shine brightest when the world feels like it’s about to implode. But Bitcoin? Well, Bitcoin’s over there doing shots of tequila while the roof falls down around it.

Now, the whole “Bitcoin as digital gold” idea is looking a little, well, ridiculous. Bitcoin is down by about 29% compared to gold in 2025. So much for being the new golden child. If Bitcoin were a kid at a birthday party, it’d be the one crying in the corner because everyone’s too busy playing with the piñata.

Some Bitcoin fans are probably getting that “I told you so” moment. Canadian billionaire Frank Giustra, for example, has been quick to point out that Bitcoin’s never really acted like gold. To him, Bitcoin’s behavior in times of crisis is more like a bad comedy show. It’s not funny, it’s just awkward.

But hey, some analysts are still holding out hope. Take Tom Lee from Fundstrat, for example. He thinks Bitcoin is ambidextrous, capable of being both a “risk-on” and “risk-off” asset. I’m not sure if that makes Bitcoin a financial Swiss Army knife or just a confused multi-tool. Either way, Bitcoin’s identity crisis is in full swing.

And then there’s Mike Novogratz, CEO of Galaxy Digital, who, bless his heart, said last week that Bitcoin was “ready to run.” If running means running in place, sure, Mike. But in 2025, Bitcoin’s more like the Magnificent Seven stock—it’s stuck in a weird limbo, not quite going anywhere, but pretending to be important.

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2025-04-17 17:20