Ah! The Curtain Rises:
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Behold! Strategy’s stock prances up 32% in April, waltzing gaily into its grandest spectacle since November. 🕺
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The palace is abuzz: whispers spiral through gilded halls that Strategy may unveil a thunderous capital raise on May 1, all in the eternal pursuit of more Bitcoin treasures.
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Our learned soothsayers (they call themselves analysts, but we know better) predict the coffers swell by a meager 1%, touching $116.6 million—one almost expects them to brandish a scroll and announce, “A touch richer, but no new wigs this spring!”
Master Michael Saylor—he who would be King Midas of Bitcoin—has piloted Strategy through April with the kind of flourish that leaves neighbors drooling and rivals plotting. The towncriers (or, fine, Google Finance) proclaim upon the church steeple: Strategy’s April finale at $380.11, up like a hot-air balloon from $288 at the last toll of March’s bell.
Speculation: Or, The Town Becomes a Soap Opera
Yes, gentlefolk, it is the most lavish ascension in five moons! And why? The eternal romance betwixt Strategy and Bitcoin—lovers in a market farce—continues. Their fortunes pirouetted to the heavens in November, as the value of their bitcoin hoard puffed up by a Trumpian wind. What merriment! 🍾
But lo! While the stock rises, so does anxiety. The company prepares its Q1 2025 spectacle, May 1, after the closing bell. Saylor himself, perhaps in powdered wig and velvet robe (or just a slightly smug grin), will lead a grand webinar at the witching hour: 9 pm UTC.
Our Friends at Seeking Alpha, ever ready with rumor and scroll, prophesy revenues of $116.6 million—a hair’s breadth more than last year, but does anyone celebrate a 1% raise? Only if their ambitions are as thin as their wine. Strategy has, admittedly, delivered surprises only a quarter of the time lately—perhaps they should try astrology instead.
The learned quills also point to a slight tumble versus last quarter’s $120.7 million (such is business: one day the squire, next, the goat). Q4 2024 saw them miss the dartboard by $2 million—either a wild miss, or perhaps part of a cunning plan (or merely the price of new tricorn hats?).
But let us clutch our fans in shock! The firm confessed a net loss of $670.8 million in Q4 2024—though only after amassing another 218,887 Bitcoins. Is this genius, madness, or simply a theatrical flair for drama?
Apollo Sat’s chief bard, Thomas Fahrer, declared upon X (once called Twitter, now named for algebra): “MSTR will announce a huge capital raise on their earnings call tomorrow. $100B is in play.” Cue drumroll.
And in March’s act, Strategy signed a mysterious pact: to sell shares of its 8% Series A perpetual strike preferred stock—a fancy phrase for “Send us your gold, we might buy more magic internet coins.”
At this very hour, the treasure chest overflows: 553,555 Bitcoins, or as they call it at Saylor Tracker, about $52.57 billion. Enough to buy several small kingdoms—maybe a duchy with a really nice moat.
Meanwhile, from the noble house of Syz Capital, Sir Richard Byworth wonders aloud: Should Saylor throw decorum aside and snatch up Bitcoin with reckless abandon, perhaps annexing companies along the way? After all, the drama’s better when the hero breaks the rules. 🎭
“Should Saylor buy Bitcoin with wild aplomb, forsaking all subtlety, and ramp up the price for sport?” Sir Byworth museth. Perhaps! But in the comedy of finance, one never trusts the script.
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2025-05-01 09:32