Get Rich or Go Home: Coinbase’s Wild $2.9 Billion Crypto Power Play

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Out there in the valleys of Wall Street and beyond, a different kind of gold rush draws men with wide eyes and hair slicked back with crypto dreams. Coinbase, that lonesome behemoth of the American exchange prairies, has saddled itself to the mighty S&P 500 and is riding right down the old track where Discover Financial used to graze. It’s the kind of swap that would drive the cows crazy and the bulls to tears—all as Discover’s off dancing with Capital One.

‘Crypto Is Here To Stay’

Brian Armstrong—whose scalp is probably shining with delight under those harsh boardroom lights—stood up and said, “We’re very happy to be included in the S&P 500. It now means that crypto is here to stay.” He might’ve said it while polishing his boots, or maybe tossing a bitcoin into a spittoon—hard to say with CEOs these days. 🤠

Suddenly, all these fine-suited men and women with retirement accounts were forced to tip their hats to crypto. S&P 500 funds are like the Mississippi—they touch everything eventually, sneaking through retirement plans and into 401(k)s like a sneaky fox. Now, even grandma’s banana bread money could be mingling with Coinbase stock—utterly without her knowing, of course. 🚀

Smart folks down at Bernstein reckon up to $16 billion could come flowing in as index funds lurch along behind this move. Meanwhile, Oppenheimer got so excited, they jacked their price target for COIN up higher than a barn swallow—$293, if you’re counting.

Coinbase Actively Pursuing M&A Opportunities

Right on the heels of a $2.9 billion handshake that scooped up Deribit (that slick operator of crypto derivatives), Armstrong declared for all to hear, “We are always looking at M&A opportunities.” Which sounds suspiciously like he has a little cowboy map, circles scrawled over every tasty crypto outpost in the West. 🤑

Deribit is king of Bitcoin options, which is like being king of the poker table on a riverboat: either very prosperous or one disaster away from ruin. Still, this is the fattest deal anybody’s seen in the wild world of digital coins, and it ought to be signed, stamped, and trail-ready before the year’s done. Global ambitions? Oh, you bet. Armstrong’s measuring the globe, seeing where else to plant his flag (probably with a QR code).

Since marching onto the public market with the swagger of a new sheriff in 2021, Coinbase has been riding high on the waves of growing crypto prices and those fancy regulatory green lights allowing bitcoin ETFs for the city folks.

Their latest earnings weren’t half bad: $1.94 per share, up 7.6% (which is a lot, especially if you find loose coins in your couch). Of course, they only hauled in $2 billion in revenue, not quite the jackpot the analysts hoped for, but honestly, who hasn’t broken a promise or two at the blackjack table?

On Wednesday, Coinbase’s stock was up 7%, closing at $263.41. Makes you wish you’d kept those coins under your mattress instead of betting them on April’s yearly low of $143. The Deribit deal has folks rowdier than a bull on branding day—and that’s saying something.

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2025-05-15 11:47