FBI Wipes $345M BTC Hard Drive, Loses Lawsuit (Spoiler: They Win) 😏

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A US appeals court has ruled that the FBI is not responsible for wiping a hard drive allegedly containing over 3,400 BTCs (worth $345 million).

 

A US appeals court has decreed that the FBI, in a display of bureaucratic brilliance, is not to blame for erasing a hard drive purportedly holding 3,443 bitcoins. These coins, now valued at a princely sum of $345 million, were the subject of a legal tango danced by Michael Prime, a Florida gentleman who once specialized in identity theft and fraud. One might call it a “fairy tale for the digital age,” though the ending lacks a happy ending and instead features a judge’s stern frown. 😕

Prime, upon his release from prison in 2022, discovered his bitcoin treasure had vanished, blaming the FBI for a digital housekeeping error. Alas, the judges, ever the skeptics, dismissed his claims as both tardy and tragically unconvincing. 🕵️♂️

Contradictory Statements Weakened the Bitcoin Lawsuit

Court documents reveal that in 2019, Prime modestly declared he owned between $200 and $1,500 in Bitcoin. By 2022, he claimed the FBI had obliterated access to over 3,400 coins. A metamorphosis of wealth so dramatic it could make a Victorian novelist blush. The court, ever the realists, noted this financial sleight of hand severely dented his credibility. 🎩

The Eleventh Circuit judges, with the wisdom of Cicero and the patience of a saint, concluded that Prime’s three-year delay in asserting ownership rendered his lawsuit a “theatrical performance” best left to the stage. “Even if the bitcoins existed,” they wrote, “awarding relief would be inequitable”-a line worthy of Wilde himself. 🎭

“Even if the bitcoins existed,” the judges wrote, “awarding Prime relief would be inequitable.”

 

Prime later attempted to redefine his earlier statements, insisting they referred to Bitcoin’s market value rather than the number of coins. A distinction as subtle as claiming a peacock’s tail is merely decorative. The court, however, found this explanation “preposterous”-a word now forever linked to crypto litigation. 🐦

FBI Followed Standard Procedure, Court Says

The FBI, ever the paragons of protocol, explained that wiping devices is standard practice once evidence is no longer required. A process designed to thwart unauthorized access, yet somehow managed to thwart Mr. Prime’s dreams of crypto glory. The court agreed the FBI acted with “good faith,” a term now synonymous with “no liability.” 🛡️

Prime, it seems, failed to request the drive’s preservation or prove ownership-a legal oversight as fateful as forgetting one’s wedding anniversary. The court dismissed his case “with prejudice,” ensuring even a sequel would be barred. 🚫

Millions of Bitcoins Lost Forever

The Prime saga is but one chapter in the grand tragedy of lost cryptocurrency. Blockchain data firms estimate 1.46 million bitcoins are irretrievably gone, a statistic that makes one question the wisdom of entrusting wealth to a digital ledger. Chainalysis claims the number could be as high as 3.7 million-a loss so staggering it makes the Titanic’s sinking seem minor. 🚢

As experts wisely note, “owning bitcoin means taking complete responsibility for safety.” A lesson Mr. Prime learned too late, much like the importance of remembering a password. 🔒

Lessons from the Bitcoin Lawsuit

The FBI’s courtroom victory underscores a growing trend: courts demand proof of ownership with the rigor of a Victorian dowager. Prime’s case, undermined by inconsistency and delay, serves as a cautionary tale. As Bitcoin’s price ascends, so too will the number of claims-though their success may hinge on whether one remembers to file before the ink dries on the coffee cup. ☕

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2025-11-06 19:23