Crypto Treasuries: A Tale of Muddled Minds and Misadventures 🤑💥

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Oh, what a muddle we find ourselves in! Mr. David Bailey, helmsman of the esteemed Nakamoto, has taken to the airwaves (or rather, X) to bemoan the sorry state of affairs where companies are stuffing their balance sheets with altcoins so lackluster they’d make a damp sponge weep. The “treasury narrative,” he claims, is now as clear as a foggy teacup, thanks to the audacity of these financial alchemists.

“The term ‘treasury company’ is a jumble of confusions,” Bailey declared, his words dripping with the kind of disdain usually reserved for a poorly brewed cuppa. “Toxic financing, failed altcoins rebranded as DATs-oh, the audacity! And those companies with nary a plan or vision? They’ve turned the narrative into a pretzel!”

David Bailey on the Sector’s “Testing” Times 🤷‍♂️

“The core strategy,” he intoned, “is to build and monetize your balance sheet. Do it well, and you’ll grow your assets like a well-fed hedgehog. Do it poorly, and you’ll trade at a discount-then be gobbled up by someone with a modicum of sense.”

“In the fiat world, the Bitcoin treasury company is a bank. Today, we’re building Bitcoin Banks. If the term frightens you, call them Bitcoin financial institutions. Fancy, isn’t it?”

Bailey’s comments come as public companies, in their infinite wisdom, are now casting their eyes beyond Bitcoin, like a gourmet chef eyeing a plate of soggy crisps. Mill City Ventures III, for instance, is reportedly set to raise $500 million for a Sui treasury strategy-because why stick to Bitcoin when one can dance with the devil in the form of altcoins?

Galaxy Digital, ever the optimist, claims narrative-driven theses are the new rage, with Ether, Solana, XRP, and others vying for a spot in treasuries. “Staking” Ether, they say, is the new black-a store of value and a source of income, all while you sip your tea and ponder the void.

At the time of this grand revelation, publicly traded companies hold a tidy $117.91 billion in Bitcoin. Meanwhile, Ether’s total supply is 3.14% in public treasuries-because nothing says “stability” like a 3.14% stake in something that could vanish like a magician’s rabbit.

Bitcoin’s Sideways Stumble: A Treasury Drama? 🤡

Mike Novogratz of Galaxy Digital quipped that Bitcoin’s sideways price is “consolidation,” but really, it’s just watching the altcoin circus spin out of control. “You’re seeing treasury companies take their shot,” he said, as if narrating a particularly dull game of darts.

Yet, even Bitcoin treasuries aren’t immune to scrutiny. Venture capital firm Breed warned that only a few will survive the “death spiral” of trading near NAV-a fate as grim as a poorly timed pun.

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2025-09-14 11:23