Markets
What to know:
- Crypto “wrench attacks” spiked 75% in 2025, because apparently, robbing people with a gun is so last decade. Now it’s all about the blockchain beatdown.
- Europe’s leading the charge with 40% of global incidents, and France is the new Wild West with 19 attacks. Liberté, égalité, wrench-ité?
- Losses hit $40 million, proving that even if you secure your crypto with a password like “12345,” someone will still show up with a crowbar and a bad attitude.
In 2025, crypto crime decided to go analog. Because why hack a computer when you can just kidnap someone’s grandma and demand their private keys? Efficiency, people!
According to CertiK, “wrench attacks”-basically, crypto theft by way of “give me your Bitcoin or I’ll use this pipe wrench as a persuasive tool”-jumped 75%. That’s 72 incidents where someone’s HODL dreams turned into a hostage situation.
Europe’s like, “Hold my croissant,” with France leading the pack. Apparently, organized crime groups there are less into art heists and more into “let’s threaten this guy’s chihuahua for his Ethereum.”
And it’s not just home invasions. We’ve got kidnappings, honey pot scams (no, not the kind with actual honey), and even murder. Because nothing says “decentralized finance” like a good old-fashioned crime spree.
The irony? Digital security’s getting better, so criminals are like, “Screw it, let’s just threaten people with a wrench.” The “Technical Paradox”-where tech advances but humans are still dumb enough to open the door for strangers.
With $40 million in losses, crypto holders are now adding “personal safety” to their risk management plans. Good news: Lloyd’s of London is like, “We’ve got a policy for that. Wrench attacks? Covered. Emotional trauma? Maybe. Therapy? Not so much.”
So, if you’re in crypto, maybe invest in a guard dog. Or a moat. Or just keep your keys in a shoebox under your bed. Because apparently, that’s safer than a hardware wallet.
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2026-02-02 17:39