Crypto Gets a “Pretty, Pretty, Pretty” Big Break? You Won’t Believe What’s in This Bill!

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Alright, let’s get this straight—apparently, because Donald Trump wants to seem like he’s not allergic to innovation, the House has a shiny new crypto market structure bill. Fox’s Eleanor Terret dropped the news (you know, because Twitter was busy being a dumpster fire), and, shocker, they’re trying to “clarify” how digital commodities should be treated. Yeah, because nothing says clarity like more legislative spaghetti. 🍝

So, here’s the deal: if you’re flipping your digital coin things on some exchange—not buying directly from the crypto wizards themselves—you’re not automatically in the SEC’s crosshairs. That is, unless your magical internet coins suddenly come with a key to the executive washroom or a cut of the closet full of company T-shirts. Apparently, offering ownership or profit-sharing is still a no-no. Who knew?

Let’s Fix Crypto—What Could Go Wrong?

The bill wants to stop every secondary crypto transaction from getting legal whiplash. Apparently, you can now buy and sell your coins (aftermarket, mind you), and you won’t have to call your lawyer after every trade—unless the coin maker slips a deed to the company yacht into your transaction. That’s supposed to make trading “friendlier.” Yeah, until your uncle Jerry loses everything because he thought Dogecoin was an IRA.

Plus! They’re sticking their legal wrench into the Securities Investor Protection Act of 1970 to define “investment contracts.” Because if there’s one thing crypto needed, it’s another definition. Now, some digital assets are off the securities hook. Hooray, loopholes!

And if you were losing sleep over the Securities Act of 1933 or the Investment Advisers Act of 1940—congrats! This draft doesn’t want to invite those guys to the party anymore. Unless, of course, they have to. 🤷‍♂️

Matthew Sigel Thinks It’s a Game-Changer (Sure It Is)

Matthew Sigel from VanEck (they manage assets or something—nobody knows) went full Twitter thread on the thing. He’s psyched because the bill is axing those pesky income and wealth limits. Finally! Your grandma can YOLO her Social Security into Shiba Inu coin, try to stop her! Also, accredited investor checks? Gone! Just show up, maybe wear pants, and you’re in. 🚀

But wait! There’s a decentralization test—because nothing says decentralized like the government deciding what “decentralized” means. If one person runs the show, boom, you’re on the naughty list. And if someone is hoarding more than 10%, everyone gets to know, which is fantastic for all the privacy-loving crypto folks. 😂

Good news for your DeFi bros: if the protocol is non-custodial and nobody’s touching your junk (funds, I mean), you’re cool. No regulators breathing down your neck unless you start pretending to be a bank without the free pens.

Stablecoins? Don’t freak out—no, the bill doesn’t want to ruin them (yet). They’re not calling them securities. Just the safe, boring uncle of the crypto world, waving from the sidelines with a lemonade. 🍋

And if you’re launching a coin and afraid of paperwork (who isn’t?), you can register early. You get bonus points if you talk to the SEC and CFTC, but only if they can stop arguing long enough to pick up the phone.

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2025-05-06 14:57