Crypto Chaos in Latam: Maduro’s Arrest, Colombia’s Snoop Fest, & Coinbase’s Tango Exit!

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🎉 Welcome to Latam Insights, the wackiest crypto news roundup south of the border! 🌮 This week: Venezuela’s military shenanigans send crypto soaring, Colombia turns exchanges into snitches, and Coinbase says “Adiós” to Argentina’s USDC tango. 🕺

Crypto Goes Bananas as Maduro Gets the Handcuff Treatment 🍌

After weeks of snoozeville trading in December, crypto prices finally woke up and said, “Let’s party!” during early Asian hours. Bitcoin moonwalked past $92,000, while ether did the cha-cha above $3,100, thanks to equities going wild and oil prices taking a nap. 💤

Why the sudden fiesta? 🥳 Well, the U.S. decided to play cop and arrested Venezuela’s Nicolás Maduro, sending shockwaves through commodities and risk assets. Crypto, always the life of the party, joined the dance, fueling rumors of a regime shift as the new year kicks off. With tax loss selling in the rearview and a shiny new U.S. crypto bill on the horizon, the bulls are back, baby! 🐂

Colombia’s Tax Cops Turn Exchanges into Snitch Central 🕵️♂️

The National Directorate of Taxes and Customs (DIAN) just dropped Resolution 000240, turning every crypto exchange into a full-time informant. 📝 Now, they’ll be ratting out user transactions, crypto assets, and probably your favorite meme coin too. All to keep up with the Crypto Assets Reporting Framework (CARF), because the OECD said so. 🌍

Coinbase Dips Out of Argentina’s USDC Tango 💃

Coinbase just ghosted Argentina’s USDC fans, suspending fiat-to-crypto onramp services for the stablecoin. 🇦🇷 In a dramatic email, they claimed it’s all for “efficiency,” but we know they’re just avoiding the drama. Argentines can still dance with USDC until January 31, but after that? It’s a solo act. 💔 Other currencies are still welcome to the party, though. 🎉

FAQ (Frequently Asked Funny Questions) 🤔

  • What sent crypto prices through the roof?
    Maduro’s arrest! Crypto threw a party as Bitcoin hit $92,000 and ether cleared $3,100. 🎊

  • What’s Colombia’s new crypto snitch rule?
    DIAN’s Resolution 000240 turns exchanges into tattletales, reporting every move you make. Big Brother’s watching! 👀

  • Why did Coinbase ditch Argentina’s USDC?
    They’re “reevaluating,” but let’s be real-they’re just avoiding the tango drama. Last dance is January 31! 💃

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2026-01-11 22:58