Picture the crypto market as a jittery squirrel after ten cups of coffee. Everyone’s scurrying about, twitching nervously, because the wizards at the Federal Reserve waved their magic wand of economic data—specifically, that tongue-twister of a spell: the Personal Consumption Expenditures Price Index. (Try saying that five times fast without summoning a financial crisis!)
News from the mysterious Bureau of Economic Analysis lands like a letter from Willy Wonka: consumer spending went up 0.7% last month—after inflation was sprinkled in, of course. Meanwhile, the Fed’s favorite inflation measuring stick held perfectly still for the first time in nearly a year, which, frankly, shocked everyone so much they nearly spilled their Oompa-Loompa themed coffee mugs. The “core PCE,” which has nothing to do with pie, stayed put—a feat not seen in almost five years. If accountants had a parade, they’d be throwing confetti right now. 🎉
But wait! The suspense builds: earlier that same Wednesday (it was a busy day—possibly magic was involved), the report spilled the beans—core PCE inflation sneaked up to 3.5% in the first quarter, the cheekiest jump in a year. Goods inflation minus food and energy tiptoed downward for the very first time this year, while core services prices (apparently the royalty of price categories) barely moved, hitting their lowest since the faraway land of 2020.
Crypto market remains down
Meanwhile, crypto investors clung to their screens as if the numbers might suddenly turn into chocolate bars. Instead, they watched as dreams deflated: several digital coins wobbled in the red, and Bitcoin’s dramatic leap past $95,000 promptly tripped and face-planted. The economic data had all the optimism of a snozzcumber sandwich, triggering a wave of “risk-off” mood across the land. Result: $370 million in crypto assets evaporated faster than Grandpa Joe’s dancing shoes when Charlie found the golden ticket. 🪙💨
Not wanting to be left out of the misery, U.S. stocks followed suit: the Nasdaq fell by 2%, S&P 500 slumped 1.5%, and Bitcoin, doing a stylish slide, landed at $94,300—possibly dizzy from all the excitement. Ethereum dropped nearly 4% (someone check its parachute), Cardano and XRP slipped by over 5%, Solana lost almost 4%, and the whole crypto market shrank from an impressively plump $3 trillion down to $2.91 trillion. Somewhere, a mathematician sighed dramatically and recalculated their yacht budget.
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2025-04-30 19:44