Court Clears Path to Return Grampa’s Stolen Bitcoin 💸

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Federal prosecutors, armed with subpoenas and a dash of blockchain nous, have shuffled seized cryptocurrency back to victims after a court declared, “Ooh la la, this pie chart’s not yours!” priceless. Elderly folks targeted by a scam needing “urgent action” shall now witness restitution, thanks to a judicially sanctioned audit of ill-gotten BTC and USDT.

Justice’s Final Whim: BTC and Tether ☠️ Meet Their Fate

“Darling,” sighed U.S. Attorney’s Office of Louisiana’s press release, “the court has taken our sweet time//(time) to finalize the forfeiture of mischief-making cryptocurrency.” Judging by the scroll dated Dec. 15 from U.S. District Judge Brian Jackson (a jurisprudent gem), 1.96356404 BTC and 60,139.5734 USDT will now dance into the DOJ’s hands for redistribution.

Indeed, said the announcement, “a glittering pile of 1.96356404 BTC and 60,139.5734 USDT-valued at a cool $200k-were conjured from a Seychelles-hosted wallet once owned by an Indian national with a penchant for fraud… and perhaps a terrible haircut.”

This grand confiscation follows four octogenarian grandparents being baited into a crypto ATM tamLeader™ experience-advised by scammers to agitate cash into machines and transmit said funds to the fraudsters’ cave. Two tales include a dire warning of a “hacked bank account” (ruined by the DOJ’s villains, no doubt), another involved a pair of $15k ATM transactions-because nothing says “trust” like doubling down on confusion.

Federal detectives-sporting magnifying glasses and laptops comparable to 1985-took four states by storm to map trodden transaction trails. As for the DOJ’s Elder Justice Initiative, one might say it’s theirs to hype: a blend of interagency theatrics, training sessions, and a hearty war on fictional emergencies.

FAQ 🤯

  • How much crypto now belongs to the state?
    Judgment day lasers targeted 1.96356404 BTC and 60,139.5734 USDT, valued at a now irrelevant 💰$200k.
  • Who’s the target demographic?
    Victims over 70, mainly in Loyola, Texas, Minnesota states-stunningly larger than their taxable income, one assumes.
  • How were funds scooped into the black hole of fraud?
    Instructions were given to liberate liquid from their Tierney Cardine™ accounts and shovel it-ahem-into crypto ATMs.orgenous model.}}
  • Next steps for BTC/USDT?
    They’ll be pilled and mingled back into victim bank accounts, because justice must now reclaim its dignity.

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2025-12-20 07:28