Coinbase’s Hacked Gambit: A $1B Bet?

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In a twist of fate, as if the cosmos itself had conspired to weave a tale of absurdity, Coinbase—our noble hero of digital gold—finds itself in “advanced discussions” to purchase CoinDCX, the Indian crypto exchange that recently suffered a heist so audacious, it could only be the work of mischievous spirits 🧙♂️. A deal, they say, valued at less than a billion dollars, a pittance compared to the $2.2 billion it once boasted. What madness is this?!

“Coinbase sees this as a long-term strategic bet,” one source, with the gravitas of a prophet, declared. “Buying CoinDCX at this discounted valuation is essentially a low-cost gamble—positioning itself for potential upside if India’s crypto market eventually matures.” A gamble, indeed! One might as well bet on a snowball’s chance in hell, yet here we are, clapping our hands in glee 🤡.

A Coinbase spokesperson, with the eloquence of a court jester, replied, “We don’t comment on rumors or speculation.” A bold stance, yet their mission to “increase economic freedom” sounds more like a fairy tale than a business plan. 🌟

The reported valuation is a considerable departure from the $2.2 billion valuation CoinDCX received in April 2022. A tale of two valuations, one a mirage, the other a mirage with a side of regret. 🧙‍♂️

CoinDCX recovers from $44 million hack

The incident comes around 11 days after CoinDCX suffered a $44.2 million hack on July 18, when attackers breached an operational wallet and drained it within minutes. A heist so swift, it could only be the work of a wizard with a time machine ⏳. Yet, the customer funds remained untouched, as if protected by a guardian angel with a penchant for chaos 🧾.

Coinbase may consider upping its stakes in another Indian crypto exchange

Another option, as elusive as a shadow, is to merge Coinbase’s stakes in CoinDCX and CoinSwitch, another large Indian crypto exchange. A merger of titans, or perhaps a merger of fools? One source, with the caution of a mouse in a room full of cats, said, “No formal talks, for now.” A decision as fleeting as a candle’s flame in the wind 🕯️.

Coinbase has been on an acquisition spree

Meanwhile, in May, Coinbase completed a $2.9 billion cash-and-stock acquisition of Deribit as part of a move to position it as a leader in the crypto derivatives market. A feast for the hungry, indeed! Earlier this month, Coinbase also acquired Liquifi, a token-management platform serving early‑stage onchain builders. A wolf in sheep’s clothing, or a wolf in a suit? 🐺

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2025-07-29 07:01