Bingo! After a performance normally reserved for racehorses and caffeinated squirrels, shares of Coinbase (COIN) have shot up in the mother of all leaps, thanks to a small matter of snagging a seat on the S&P 500 index later this month. Yes, the very same S&P 500 usually reserved for the bluest of blue chips and those companies whose CEOs have more golf clubs than friends.
In the manner of someone announcing the invention of the wheel, Coinbase’s chief financial wizard, Alesia Haas, declared this event a sign that the crypto industry has matured from its wild youth—sort of like a reformed hooligan suddenly being offered a seat in the House of Lords.
“It’s been a monumental few months for crypto, with a pro-crypto federal government (who’d have wagered on that at last year’s derby?), Bitcoin and USDC soaring to all-time highs, and now COIN smuggling itself into the S&P 500 as the first—and let’s face it, probably the cheekiest—crypto outfit ever to make the guest list. We’re awfully humbled and already practicing our red-carpet wave.”
“This is no mere feather in the cap; it’s a whole peacock. A significant leap for Coinbase and crypto as a whole. Joining this index is no small potatoes—it signals we’re not only here, but we’re pinching the hors d’oeuvres and eyeing the drinks trolley.”
Meanwhile, Owen Lau of Oppenheimer, who knows his way around a ledger sheet, told Reuters that he’d bumped up his price target for COIN to a princely $293.
Quoth Lau, with the serenity of a man not invested in tulip bulbs:
“A watershed moment for Coinbase and the entire industry. It’s paving the way for the next batch of crypto hopefuls to don their best suits and gun for an S&P 500 seat… We expect institutional investors will circle COIN like accountants to a tax rebate.” 🚀
Meanwhile, the clever chaps (and chapettes) at Bernstein have reportedly cranked up their COIN price target to $310, because why not aim for the stars if you’re already halfway to the moon?
At last check, COIN is galloping along at $253, up a rousing 23% from yesterday’s depths, and nearly mending its year-to-date indiscretions. Cue confetti, bugles, and a small dog in a bowler hat. 🥳
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2025-05-13 22:00