Cryptonews

“If you believe the whispers chronicled by Politico, Senate Majority Leader John Thune—yes, the very same man who allegedly still believes in weekends—has confided to his Republican colleagues: the Senate will vote ‘ere the country fires up its grills in remembrance. The GENIUS Act—the legislative equivalent of declaring all cows must wear hats for national clarity—tucks itself snugly into the administration’s hopeful blueprints for the crypto industry, which, as usual, wishes only for ‘clarity’ but may get a muddle wrapped in regulation.”

Picture this: the humble memecoin, dragged through the muck at $0.22, suddenly dusts itself off and arrives at a regal $0.30. “Why not go higher?” it ponders, as if financial gravity were for lesser coins. And, dear reader, as of this moment (not six minutes ago, not six minutes hence), AI16Z trades at $0.30242, up 22.45% in one, glorious, bewildering day.

SoFi’s CEO, Anthony Noto, spoke to CNBC—probably while checking his phone for Bitcoin prices—and announced that crypto is making a comeback at SoFi. The company had previously been forced to slam the brakes on all things crypto last year. This, of course, caused many would-be investors to emit a collective sigh of regret and scroll wistfully through Dogecoin memes.

If you’ve been tracking Tellor (TRB), you’ll know this isn’t its first trip to “Will-something-actually-happen?” land. The last time TRB loitered between these numbers, it spent more than a year (that’s 371 days, for those who enjoy counting the days since an ex last texted) without a hint of meaningful excitement. Now, it’s déjà vu all over again. Traders, like Bridget Jones analysing her love life, are split between waiting for a sudden candlelit breakout or just more awkward, sideways shuffling at the party.

On the auspicious 28th of April, the stage saw Senate Bill 1025—The Strategic Bitcoin Reserve Act—sashay through the House with a razor-thin flourish, 31 for and 25 against! Not satisfied, the players staged a second performance: Senate Bill 1373, conjuring a Digital Assets Strategic Reserve Fund, garnished with a 37 to 19 applause. The drama, truly, never pauses.

Back in December 2024, Circle planted its flag with a new legal entity in ADGM. Talk about ambition! They’re not just dipping their toes in the Middle East and Africa—no, they’re diving in headfirst. This approval means Circle can now roll out its stablecoin services across the UAE. What a game changer!

Our floppy-eared friend, BABYDOGE, has a history as predictable as Aunt Muriel’s fruitcake: plunging so low you think it’s gone forever, then suddenly bouncing with energy like it just heard the snack tin. With the coin now lounging at the lowest corner of a 270-day cage match, some are whispering (or maybe barking) about a new chance to break loose. But be warned: this pup bites, especially if you forget your stop-loss! 🦴

If you sense the market reeling at this latest hesitation—well, it didn’t. Wall Street took the news with the serenity of a cat watching a goldfish: wary, unblinking, and possibly overfed. Sure, the SEC moves with the grace of a glacier—see: Ripple, settlement, a saga fit for Homer—but there is a cherished chance we’ll see an XRP ETF ruling before the leaves gift the earth their autumnal beauty. 🍂

At the heart of this feverish spectacle, Bitcoin, the extravagant baron of volatile assets, was flirting shamelessly with new highs. Meanwhile, our enigmatic friend Kyle Doops, a man who can read blockchains like a fortune-teller reads tea leaves—or at least pretends to—stood atop his balcony, announcing to passing pigeons and bystanders: “87.3% of supply is now drowning in profit!” With each upward tick, the congregation of Bitcoin holders grew more euphoric, salivating at the prospect of an imminent golden age where, allegedly, the only thing more bullish than BTC is the mustache on the face of General Secretary Satoshi.

Fidelity’s latest wizardry shows Ethereum is practically on sale! ETH might be trading at a discount.