The big Q1 reveal on April 30: revenue’s down 8.6% from the dizzying heights of last quarter, settling at a humble $927 million. Zacks’ analysts were apparently set up for heartbreak, and Robinhood gave them a mild surprise—beating the numbers by a thrilling 3.16%. Someone alert Hollywood. 🎬
Traders remain cautiously optimistic (so basically, don’t hold your breath).
It started with a $100 million “small” nibble last fall—just a taste, nothing to frighten the peasants. Then a jump to 51% in February. And now, with the appetite of wolves at a winter feast, 70%. Did anyone ask the cows how they feel about this? Of course not! 🐄
Ether just made a Dragonfly doji candlestick. To the uninitiated, that’s not a rare insect, it’s a technical pattern that appears right before traders start dreaming in Lamborghinis and laser eyes. Apparently, it’s the market’s equivalent of raising an eyebrow suggestively. 🦗
Alas, from January to April, this imperial force managed to bloat itself by a rather gaudy 13%. The altcoin market shriveled like last week’s champagne, plummeting from $1.13 trillion to a rather less festive $817 billion. That’s a $300 billion vanishing act—no volunteers, just vanished capital and forlorn meme coins.
The day—April 28. The scene—a labyrinthine con as intricate as a Nabokovian chess problem. Three thousand five hundred and twenty bitcoins vanished by means of social engineering so “sophisticated” it might have left even Humbert Humbert blushing (and double-checking his passwords). The result? Shockwaves hit the digital coliseum, and for an added spectacle, Monero (that darling of privacy fanatics) pirouetted into the limelight, its price leaping and twirling as if bitten by a radioactive squirrel.
We take a moment to appreciate the chart below, plotting Bitcoin’s price on a logarithmic scale from 2010 to 2025. Each milestone neatly highlights key price points after Bitcoin’s “age” increased by 40%—because apparently, that’s what gets Bitcoin to really start feeling itself:
So what did this financial mad scientist do? First—hold onto your toupee—he took $1.5 billion in stock, turned $500 million of that into Bitcoin (because, naturally), then Houdini’d that into a $1 billion gain faster than you can say, “Is this legal?” Suddenly, MicroStrategy isn’t just a tech company. It’s full-blown Bitcoin Willy Wonka. 🍫⛏️
The word works its way through smoky beer parlors and street corners: “Have you heard of Crypto Bridge Exchange? Promised us riches, ran off with our rent.” The company offered returns so miraculous, even preachers raised eyebrows. “Double your money in 30 days!” they said. Most believed—because hope is cheap and paperwork is expensive.
On April 30, Coinbase decided it was high time to speak up, as they waded into the Harper vs IRS case, arguing that the Internal Revenue Service’s handling of user crypto data was, to put it politely, a bit much. They’re advocating for better privacy protections—because apparently, the IRS thinks it can go around digging through your digital wallet like it’s a yard sale.
