The altcoins—those hopeful little satellites still clinging to the gravitational pull of Bitcoin like toddlers on the first day of school—mostly opted for an interpretative dance called “Sideways Shuffle.” Except HYPE and PI. These two went on a tear, presumably fuelled by either caffeine or optimism, both of which are always in short supply on crypto Twitter.
Fi! What wind has blown such optimism into the sails of the XRP vessel? Why, a shuffle of the grand viziers at yonder SEC, of course—the esteemed guardians of coins cryptic and fortunes fickle!
The WSJ, of course, wasn’t content to leave it there. It alleged that the Tesla board had been in talks with recruitment firms. Musk took to X (formerly Twitter) to remind the world of his boundless eloquence, blasting the article and pointing out that the WSJ conveniently omitted the “unequivocal denial” from Tesla’s board. Oh, the drama!
According to a fresh proclamation on X (formerly the place where people went to be angry in 140 characters) by the intellectually bold CryptoQuant analyst Maartunn, some venerable Bitcoiners have deigned to stir. The tool of the trade for this insight is the “Spent Output Age Bands” (SOAB, which also happens to be what some short-term traders yell at their screens).
But lo and behold, Bitcoin, ever the resilient creature, rose from the ashes of the $75,000 doom to reclaim a solid $20,000 in just a matter of weeks. It seemed that once Trump’s tantrums were momentarily paused (except, of course, for China—because why not keep that spicy?), Bitcoin had its comeback moment. Still, since it soared above $90,000, it’s been lounging in a rather lethargic sideways channel, somewhere between $93,000 and $95,000. Not exactly the glorious spike we were all hoping for, but it’s keeping us on our toes.
Bitcoin is doing the tango around $95,000, while ether (ETH), BNB Chain’s BNB, and Solana’s SOL are practically taking a nap. XRP and Cardano’s ADA dropped 2%, while dogecoin (DOGE) fell 3%. Someone’s not getting their morning coffee! ☕️
Behold! Strategy’s stock prances up 32% in April, waltzing gaily into its grandest spectacle since November. 🕺
Earlier in the month—nobody remembers which day, but it probably rained—Feist presented one wild idea: Ethereum Improvement Proposal 7938. This wasn’t your granddaddy’s proposal. Nope. Feist figured they could jack up the gas limit 100 times over four years. Suddenly, transactions would run thick as jackrabbits in spring, and miners would busy themselves like bartenders on payday.
Through an April 30 post on the public agora known as X—you may know it as the spot where humanity’s grievances go to die—CertiK tallied $364 million evaporating into the ether, up from the almost laughable $28.8 million in March. Nothing like exponential doom to tickle your existential nerves, eh? 😂
The whole thing is written in a tone that screams “mandatory security upgrade”—the kind of phrase that probably gets you a free pen at a dentist’s office or a $30 charge on your cable bill. If you just fork over those 24 magic words, you’ll achieve wallet enlightenment, or more likely, unenlightenment as your balance plunges to zero. 🚨
