Cryptonews

Picture this: It’s Monday evening, the monkeys are clapping, and the DOJ tells its staff that the NCET—the squad that was supposed to keep the crypto wild west in check—is disbanded “effective immediately.” A snazzy four-page memo (yes, memo-length drama) revealed that the previous administration’s overzealous crypto crackdown was about as welcome as a clown at a board meeting. 🤡

Earlier this year, the illustrious Grayscale, a titan among digital asset managers, decided to embrace Cardano (ADA) with open arms, adding it to its Smart Contract Fund. This fund, a veritable treasure chest for accredited investors, offers a taste of a diversified portfolio of cryptocurrencies, all linked to the grand tapestry of smart contracts. How delightful!

In the bitter twilight of modern finance, as if fate herself were playing a cruel joke, the mysterious crypto market staggers beneath the weight of an unrelenting tariff war. Today, Ethereum, once a proud citizen of the digital realm, has plummeted below the sacred threshold of $1,400—a descent reminiscent of the fall of tyrants in forgotten histories. 😏

In a bold move that screams, “We mean business!” Thailand is stepping up its game against cybercrime. The Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) just dropped a press release on April 8 that’s more exciting than a cat video on the internet. They’re ready to block foreign crypto exchanges that think they can just waltz in and target Thai investors. Sorry, not today! 🚫💸

His remarks followed an overnight shift in market conditions, where the SOFR-Fed Funds spread plummeted to a staggering -3.46 basis points. A negative spread, dear reader, is akin to a warning siren in a quiet town—typically signaling liquidity stress and often heralding broader market chaos. Who knew finance could be so dramatic?

In a twist of fate, our hero, Story (IP), has risen by a glorious 9%, reaching a dazzling intraday high of $4.27 on this fine April 9th, as the sun sets over Asia. With a market cap that sits like a king upon its throne at nearly 41.1 billion, and a daily trading volume that dances just above $100 million, the stage is set for a grand performance.

Sure, Bitcoin’s been wobbling like a toddler trying to walk, and traditional markets aren’t much better. But what if the whole trade war mess is secretly cheering for Bitcoin? Intrigued? You should be!

Speaking of quaint little taxes, a monumental 104% tariff just descended upon certain Chinese goods with all the subtlety of a hippo on a trampoline. To make things extra thrilling, there’s an additional 50% levy in a grand game of tit-for-tat that the US and China have unleashed. It’s like attending two warring family reunions simultaneously, minus the free punch. 🥤

Imagine an event as eagerly awaited as the arrival of the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything – now multiply that by a hyperactive throng of crypto enthusiasts in 2025. Eligible space travelers had their profiles snapped on March 31, 2025, at the uncanny 23:59 UTC, while the exact moment of cosmic distribution remains wrapped in the kind of mystery typically reserved for improbable hitchhikers in a towel.

Let’s break it down, shall we? On Friday, ARK snapped up 83,157 shares. Monday? 84,514. Tuesday? A modest 31,730. It’s like they’re playing a high-stakes game of Monopoly, except instead of Park Place, they’re buying a crypto exchange that’s been on a bit of a rollercoaster lately. 🎢