Bitcoin is doing the tango around $95,000, while ether (ETH), BNB Chain’s BNB, and Solana’s SOL are practically taking a nap. XRP and Cardano’s ADA dropped 2%, while dogecoin (DOGE) fell 3%. Someone’s not getting their morning coffee! ☕️
Behold! Strategy’s stock prances up 32% in April, waltzing gaily into its grandest spectacle since November. 🕺
Earlier in the month—nobody remembers which day, but it probably rained—Feist presented one wild idea: Ethereum Improvement Proposal 7938. This wasn’t your granddaddy’s proposal. Nope. Feist figured they could jack up the gas limit 100 times over four years. Suddenly, transactions would run thick as jackrabbits in spring, and miners would busy themselves like bartenders on payday.
Through an April 30 post on the public agora known as X—you may know it as the spot where humanity’s grievances go to die—CertiK tallied $364 million evaporating into the ether, up from the almost laughable $28.8 million in March. Nothing like exponential doom to tickle your existential nerves, eh? 😂
The whole thing is written in a tone that screams “mandatory security upgrade”—the kind of phrase that probably gets you a free pen at a dentist’s office or a $30 charge on your cable bill. If you just fork over those 24 magic words, you’ll achieve wallet enlightenment, or more likely, unenlightenment as your balance plunges to zero. 🚨
On an otherwise humdrum April 30, Galaxy Digital Holdings Ltd. waltzed onto the stage and announced its intention to crash the Nasdaq Global Select Market’s party on May 16, 2025. The catch? First, they must charm the crowd at the May 9 shareholder jamboree, where investors will vote for a corporate re-org and a nifty change of address—like moving from a sensible townhouse to an eccentric mansion in Delaware. And if Nasdaq itself gives the nod of approval, poof—Galaxy Digital Inc. shall materialize, ticker symbol GLXY, twinkling for all to see.
Picture it: The Speaker, Destin Hall—looking suspiciously like someone who still struggles to set a ringtone—enthusiastically pitches the idea. Not to actually buy any crypto, good heavens no, let’s not lose our collective minds. Instead, let’s invest in… funds that invest in Bitcoin. Because nothing says wild financial innovation like an extra middleman. 🏦💸
XRP ETF approval odds have ballooned to a thrilling 85% after a SEC leadership shuffle. The SEC, always full of surprises, has apparently decided to roll the dice with new management—possibly the kind that drinks coffee after midnight.
Ah, Robert Kiyosaki. The man who made a fortune out of telling you how to make a fortune. The author of *Rich Dad Poor Dad*, that tiny book that could fit in your pocket but carries more weight than a bank vault. Kiyosaki, with all the grace of a man predicting a thunderstorm, is now warning the world of an approaching financial apocalypse that will make the 2008 crash look like a Sunday stroll.
The big Q1 reveal on April 30: revenue’s down 8.6% from the dizzying heights of last quarter, settling at a humble $927 million. Zacks’ analysts were apparently set up for heartbreak, and Robinhood gave them a mild surprise—beating the numbers by a thrilling 3.16%. Someone alert Hollywood. 🎬
