Is this not the very masque of privacy? The mighty and mysterious algorithms now escort you across the threshold of cryptographic elegance, so you may sip your digital wine and frolic on Bumble without scandal or unsolicited birthday greetings.
April arrived and, with all the subtlety of a Tolstoyan plot twist, turned the world upside down. A great drain began, not unlike the melancholy flow of vodka after Lent. Day after day, a steady procession of funds exited the exchanges. One could almost hear the clinking of departing coins like the tumbling hoofbeats on a frosty country road.
Since those halcyon days, the SEC, now boasting a more convivial attitude à la the Trumpian school of thought, has put on its friendliest trousers and extended a hand to the crypto set. By installing crypto devotees in influential seats and shelving enough lawsuits to make any attorney weep into their gin, the SEC has signaled that change might, indeed, be afoot. DOGE, meanwhile, looms in the background, practically humming a show tune of regulatory reform. Audiences everywhere lean in, hoping at last for less opera, more clarity.
The coin, awkward child of optimism and disappointment, sits at $0.70—almost 40% higher than the soul-crushing low in April. It is a silent protest of digits, a stubbornness that is as much survival as triumph. “Support level,” they say, as if numbers offer comfort the way a warm stove chases off chill.
Michael Saylor, notorious for his subtlety (sarcasm detector: critical), dashed onto X to update the world. How’s he going to find that kind of money? Naturally: stocks, stocks again, and a bit of debt for good measure.
Initially, Ripple slid a cool $5 billion offer across the table—just to see how it felt, you know? But wait, like every dating show ever, sources say that number bloomed up to $20 billion. Honestly, at this point, I’d expect an NFT of a mooning dog as part of the deal. Bidding wars are apparently ongoing, because neither side wants to be the first one to blink. Or maybe they’re just really bad at email.
On May 1, after two days wobbling like Uncle Vasya after vodka, Bitcoin took it upon itself to cheer up the nation of speculators. From the melancholy bottom of $94,115, it tottered up to a more smug $97,483—its highest since February, when people still bothered pretending they understood crypto.
According to this modern-day Tom Sawyer of Cyberspace, customization is the magic word. And if you’re not custom, well, you’re about as useful as a screen door on a submarine. Sandeep says you best get used to every app worth its salt churning out its own chain faster than a Mississippi paddleboat, each tailored to fit the quirks of its users like a Sunday best suit—in the “very near future,” no less. He’s practically promising a blockchain gold rush, but with fewer pickaxes and a lot more math.
The rumor surfaced earlier today, rapidly gaining traction across the X platform (because where else?). Some influencers and crypto media outlets jumped at the chance to amplify this tale, despite it being about as credible as a unicorn riding a rainbow. Members of the XRP community, ever the skeptics, were quick to call out the nonsense. “Where’s the evidence?” they demanded. No one seemed to have an answer. 😏
But before you accuse the Fed of being a total party pooper, let’s attempt to understand when it *would* go full QE, and how that could send Bitcoin sky-high, or sliding ignominiously into the digital ditch. For answers, BeInCrypto cornered experts from 22V Research, CryptoQuant, and BingX, presumably before they could fake a tunnel escape.